Oh those household chores can be wearing….
So today was payday. E did a bunch of the shopping after he got off work this morning, so that we at least had food to get through today, and some extra stuff, so that it will last us a few days if we don’t get back out to do shopping right away. After I was awake I went and deposited the money in the bank, and paid utilities. Rent will be paid tomorrow.
When I got back home from those errands we made a homemade breakfast. E made syrup – he took some maple syrup we recently bought and combined that with a simple vanilla syrup – water, vanilla and sugar… so we have maple vanilla syrup now. After he finished that he cooked bacon while I made french toast. When we all finished breakfast Duckling worked some more on learning her letters so she can learn to read and write, and Gamer played a video game on our XBox. E and I watched a couple episodes of Star Trek Voyager, after which he went to bed. I went with him for some cuddles, and we decided to have some “grown up time” as well….. especially since I’m right around ovulation, we decided we might as well try, it’s not likely anything will happen anyway, between my weight and the fact so far I’ve managed to get pregnant once and miscarried right away. If I do end up pregnant we’ll both be happy, and he’ll just have to help some more with the kids until I take them home. I started falling asleep while we were cuddling so he told me “Don’t fall asleep J, you have kids to watch…” so I grabbed my pillow and curled up out on the couch and rested (I never actually fell asleep, but my eyes were closed and I came close a couple times) until Duckling ended up wanting to cuddle, then I woke up and cuddled with her for a bit before they went to play outside. I’ve been up since then.
A little while ago I had them help me carry the trash that had been stacking up in the kitchen (hey, I’ve been sick and E has been working, plus our dumpster was pretty full, today was the day they come empty it) out to the dumpster, and we threw it all away. Then they helped me pick all the shoes up that were next to the front door (the entryway is part of the kitchen) and I moved the rest of the stuff out so I could sweep and mop. M is currently locked in Gamer’s room and the bathroom the kids share (it’s connected to both bedrooms) while the floor dries, and the mop is rinsed, rung out and drying in the bathtub in the master bathroom. 🙂 I feel accomplished, but that took a lot out of me, especially since yesterday was a bad flare day, as was the day before. I took 1/2 valium last night when I went to sleep (if the kids need me or if there is any odd noise in the house I’ll still wake up to it, but I sleep more soundly and feel more rested, I’m not constantly waking up just because the air from the fan hits me or whatever) and woke up feeling a lot better.
As I mentioned I was worn out by lunch time, but the resting took care of it, I now have a clean kitchen and am ready for another nap… just a few more hours until I’ll be in bed though, so I can live with it.
All in all I feel very accomplished! 🙂 (Just wish those few activities hadn’t taken enough out of me to make me wish for two naps just a couple hours apart…)

I’m heading into the most difficult time of the month for me, and it doesn’t help that we’re also in a storm season, and we’ve been having long storms lately. 😦
I’m within 10 days (probably less than a week now) of my period, which means constant endo pain…. I’m also (between storms and hormones, as well as not sleeping as deeply as usual since Duckling always sleeps with me) having a really rough lupus time right now.
The kids will be with their grandparents starting tomorrow morning, they’ll be there until they come home on Sunday morning (so around 24 hours), when their grandparents and aunts will be coming over with a birthday cake for Gamer (his bday is in the next few days, so we are celebrating Sunday morning so we can all be here!)! 😀 😀 😀
I get a break, I plan to spend it in bed resting as much as I can. The only other thing I plan to do is play games on my computer or watch movies I can’t watch with the kids here (due to language or humor or whatever other adult concepts)…. it’s just going to be a relaxing grown up day lol!

Pregnancy mentioned (not mine, I’m not pregnant at this point), and miscarriage as well (this is mine)!

A friend of mine found out yesterday that her sister is pregnant! This friend is an endo sister who is dealing with infertility…. and although she’s trying to be happy for her sister, she’s going through a wide range of emotions right now.

She just posted a status on a social networking site asking if she’d ever be able to sleep again. Now I don’t know for sure that it’s due to the news she received today or not, but that’s my guess as to what it’s about.

Reading that brought up all kinds of emotions and thoughts that have been pretty absent for the last couple weeks. It’s been a bit over a month since my miscarriage became a known fact to me (it was June 20th when I found out I was miscarrying, and that I’d been pregnant), and it’s now the 30th of July in my time zone. I’m sure part of this is me being exhausted, and part of it is that although day to day I’m doing well, overall I still struggle with this at times, it still is hard to deal with at times, and it still hurts at times.

I’m hurting for my friend, and hurting for me, and hurting for everyone else who has had to deal with this pain.

And I’m missing my baby tonight, as I’d have been midway through my second month now… and almost through it if you go by the period I had at that point. Having Gamer and Duckling has been incredible, but I’m struggling with the thought of having to take them back to their mom’s in about a month, as well as with the fact I don’t get to have “my own” by this time next year probably (my own is in quotes because although they don’t share a biological link with me, the kids are both my own kids just the same as any bio kid we ever are able to have, or any kid we ever adopt if we can’t have bio kids), and the fact I lost my baby.

And now I’m going to bed, because I’m way too tired, and that’s really not helping my emotions at all!!!!


Warning: My stepkids are mentioned in this post (though it is about much more than just them!) – if you can’t handle reading about them this isn’t a post for you!

This is not shaping up to be a good day.
First my mother called a few minutes ago at 7:45 in the morning our time (I’m NOT a morning person), and I had the ringer on because I didn’t expect anyone to call so early and I want to make sure I hear my/our friend Shadow call. Oh and did I mention the kids and I didn’t get to bed until almost two because we went to Walmart last night and they wanted food after and Duckling wanted a bath? At least they’d both taken naps, but I feel exhausted because I didn’t get much of one…. I laid in bed a few times…. but I only slept briefly. Then, as I was getting up to turn off the ringer I realized my bladder is killing me! With my bladder condition I have to be careful about bottled waters – and we bought some last night for when going to the park, etc. I drank most of a bottle last night before bed… and something in it is apparently pissing my bladder off. I am usually so good about getting brands that don’t hurt (Dasani is my main brand I drink now – I used to hate it, but it doesn’t make me hurt, so I just automatically grab it without even thinking about it now) that I forgot that some brands can really bug me. My bladder and side are at about an 8 now… and I hurt too much to want to eat to be able to take good pain meds, and I don’t want to take alleve and drink water because as my bladder gets full it will hurt me even more, but I need to keep myself hydrated or I’ll end up in even more pain… it’s a catch 22 situation. And after I got the ringer off and laid back down Miss Duckling decided she’d slept enough and she wanted to get up and eat breakfast and color. So I’m now sitting with her until she finishes eating, and going to leave her coloring for awhile so I can lay in bed with my heating pad curled around my abdomen… I doubt I’ll get to go back to sleep. But I hurt too much to stay up right now. Hopefully Duckling will let us sleep for awhile, but I am sure I’ll still need to stay awake to keep her from bothering Gamer and getting into the pantry… I may just take her back to bed with me and have her pretend she’s sleeping (which put her to sleep yesterday) because it’s too early to be awake after the small amount of sleep she’s had so far today. She’ll be a holy terror this afternoon if she doesn’t sleep more.

So, our phones were down for awhile, we now have a different phone… and I called the kids yesterday and talked to them and their mom. I had been told a few days ago that Duckling was starting to call me her “Other Mommy” and thought it was adorable and it gave me hope eventually they’d start calling me Mommy as well. Yesterday while on the phone they both called me mommy at different times, and told me that they love me – the second part has been happening the last month or so. When the phones were down we were emailing back and forth and they were making sure to tell me they love me. Yesterday Gamer accidentally called me Mommy, followed by an apology, at which point I tried to explain it was fine to call me mommy, but he raised into a list of reasons they should be allowed to call me mommy… including that I’m married to their Daddy, I might as well be their Mommy, and I am, in fact, their Other Mommy! There were other reasons as well, but I can’t remember what they were.
It was so sweet, and more than made up for everything else that happened yesterday, which I’m not going into.
They will be here Saturday, and probably be staying until the beginning of September! 🙂

Since the kids are coming out this month, and since I’ll be visiting my family for a few days when I take them home, we are taking a break for the month from trying for a bio kid for me. Between last month’s miscarriage, this month’s hormonal mess, and everything that will be taking place over the next month or so that just seems to be the way to go, plus it will let my body and emotions heal up some more.

Edit: It looks like we’ll be taking a break for two cycles, since I’ll more than likely be taking Gamer and Duckling back home during my fertile days of the next cycle. The dates to take them home have more than likely changed due to their mom’s school schedule, instead of taking them home right about the time of my next period, I’ll be taking them home the week after, which is when I am fertile (around day 10 of my cycle)…. my body will be glad for the break I’m sure… it’s been rough with the miscarriage and this month’s hormone mess…. I’m really not doing to well with these hormones, I think this cycle is worse than my miscarriage was.

I’m adding another topic to my blog, though I don’t know how often I’ll bring it (of my stepson) up. I’m going to refer to my stepson as DS and my stepdaughter as DD, just so everyone knows who I mean when I say that – not sure how to shorten their names yet….. so that’ll be their reference until I come up with something else. I’d really like to find something a bit more personal for them…. I probably will while they are staying with us this summer.

Their mother emailed me a couple months ago now and let me know that DS has Asperger’s Syndrome which is on the Autistic spectrum and ADHD. I’m not sure when he was diagnosed, but I know it causes some definite issues at home (though he’s been much better since going on summer break) and he is in special education part of the time for classes. He is incredibly smart and high functioning, but he has behavioral issues, some hyperactivity and some things he is neurotic over.

As I use this blog to raise awareness of my illnesses, and show how they affect me day to day (when I’m able to post) I thought that I’d post from time to time about DS and the things he is dealing with in an effort to raise some awareness about them as well! I suspect that there will be more posts either while they are staying with us or as soon as I feel able to post after they are home – I will be driving them home with either my sister in law or mother in law – and it’s 1k miles (or so) each way… so I’m going to need to recover from the roadtrip before I post again lol! I just wanted to make my readers aware that those topics were being added.
I will also be posting about being a fulltime mother with these illnesses – as for about 3 weeks that’s what I will be. E works nights, so other than the times where my inlaws have them (E has a dr’s appt during their visit and I know my inlaws will be taking them bday shopping at some point) and E’s days off I’ll be full time mother to them.

Edit: Worked out some nicknames for them – from now on DS is Gamer and DD is Duckling … just so everyone knows!