I didn’t expect Halloween to hit me as hard as it has this year….

Yes I was excited to dress Lily up in her first costume and take her trick or treating (health allowing for both of us of course), but….. I didn’t think it was as big a deal as my grief is making it. 😦

This is just ripping my heart out all over again.

I know I’ve posted Lily pics in the past, probably even the ones I’m posting now, but I share them every once in awhile because I like to have her on the front of my blog (I know there are other ways to make that happen, but this is how I do it)….

I just want to show my beautiful daughter again, and remind people SIDS is a real determination of COD, and it does happen… more often than anyone wants to think of.

There was no reason to think Lily would die, let alone at 13 days of age, and there was no reason found, hence the SIDS determination.

Two months since we saw or held her… that picture was taken within a couple days before she died (not sure of the exact date right now)..

We got her death certificate a couple days ago…..

My lupus is now flaring even worse….. the flare started up around the time I got the call that her death certificate was ready, and has steadily gotten worse sense. 😦

We love and miss you Littlest!!! ❤

“If you know someone who has lost a child, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died–you’re not reminding them. They didn’t forget they died. What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.”
-Elizabeth Edwards

This morning the Funeral Home called us. We had ordered our copy of Lily’s death certificate through them, and we were being informed they finally had it, and that we could either pick it up there, or we could have them mail it to us. I told the woman to go ahead and keep it and I’d pick it up. A bit later I realized that if they had the death certificate they must have the cause of death from the coroner. I called her back and asked, and she told me that the answer the coroner came up with is “undetermined” which means that it’s SIDS.
I have so many emotions going on…. relief, grief, frustration, anger, depression and so on.
Over all, now that I’m really having it sink in (even though it’s what we expected) I’m feeling like I’m drowning.

Lily should be 5 weeks old now, not ashes in an urn in our room.
It’s been just over 3 weeks since she died.
I still can’t believe it.
At times I’m numb, other times I am such a wreck I have to take two doses of anti anxiety meds to sleep (like last night, between Lily’s death and some other happenings I couldn’t sleep and had Johnny give me a pill while I was laying in bed trying to sleep. I then took another pill a few hours later)….
I don’t know how we are supposed to make it for years to come through all of this when neither of us have made it through the last 3 weeks easily.
We’re *still* waiting on Lily’s autopsy results. If we’ve not heard back by next week I’m going to start bugging the detective more frequently, and asking him to bug the ME, who should be bugging the lab…. we NEED answers, even if they are that there are no answers (aka SIDS). Part of me hopes for a solid answer on what happened, and part of me hopes we get the answer of SIDS because then we know there really isn’t anything we could have done, it’s an inexplicable death.

Two weeks ago my little girl died.

Those words only belong in fiction books. Well, they don’t belong anywhere at all, but if they must be it should be something made up. No parent should ever have to think them, write them, or live them.

She wasn’t even two weeks old! I don’t understand why or how something like this happened. I mean, I do, I know sometimes, for whatever reason, babies just stop breathing, but it just doesn’t make sense. Old people die, not healthy 13 day old children! Not children who have been worked for so hard. Not any kids, but…. why my Lily after everything we went through to get a pregnancy to stick, and to get her as close to full term as we did (almost 37 weeks)!

This isn’t right. It’s not fair, but since nothing is fair I never expected Lily’s life to be either.

I thought that losing her, waking up with her dead next to me, the time spent while we waited for help, and while they worked on her was hard, and it was, but surviving without her is even worse.

She should be here with us, alive.