October is Infant/Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month..Please take a moment to think of all the little ones lost too soon..It is a pain that never goes away..Noone should ever lose their child! If you know someone who has lost a child/miscarriage, just let them know you are thinking of them..That’s all we need to hear sometimes..You have no idea how much a simple “thinking of you” means ♥ Lilith Faith (12/23/10-1/5/11) and 4 miscarriages.

And when I say little I mean she’s tiny!!
Littlest was born at 14 inches long and 4lbs 5oz on 12/23.
She seems to have gained weight since, unfortunately until my milk comes all the way in we’re needing to supplement some with formula, so we do breastfeeding for awhile (10 to 20 mins per side), then we give her some formula, just enough to top her off… though she never seems to think she’s topped off lol!

I’ll post more pictures later on, but in the meantime here are a couple of our favorites from the night she was born.

So I had an OB appt Monday (and we finally made it to one! lately a lot of circumstances have kept us from being able to do so, and don’t start talking to me about the importance of keeping appts, I know, but our safety is more important than the risks involved in making it to these, and my doc would agree)….. during the appt I was basically told that at that point, since it had been 5 or 6 days since I’d needed any anti-contraction meds, I could “self monitor” and didn’t need to be on official bed rest anymore. Well, that lasted about 24 or 28 hours, before I was back on it. 😦 And all I did was go out to lunch after the appt (which didn’t cause ANY contractions) and sit at my computer for a few hours yesterday (which caused several)…. so I’m back on meds and bed rest… and I guess although the meds are only for if I need them (not a constant dose thankfully), I’ll be on both until 37 weeks or so…. but I’m either 34 weeks 3 days or 34 weeks 5 days right now, depending on who you ask, so that’s something! 2 1/2 more weeks and I can go back off, and let baby come (though if I can make it longer I’m going to try to do so)….
This has all certainly had some roller coaster elements to it, though who expected anything different from a pregnancy for me? (I did actually, I hoped for a break from this ride at least long enough for baby to get to term…. and I’ve never gotten one…)

That’s right, Littlest and I have actually made it that far!!!!

Bed rest seems to be working over all for me, I’m not needing meds to stop the contractions like I was. Of course now that I’m typing this I’m sure that’s going to change, just because that’s how my luck runs….

Littlest is still super active, though depending on which medication I have to use to stop the contractions when they happen s/he does sleep all day the next day.

We’ve been working on getting things ready for Littlest, and moving, and it’s just been kinda crazy… I am so glad we are almost out of the month of November….. it’s one of those months that seems more likely than any other to have things go wrong, and I know some other people who that is the case for too.

We had a car accident last week… all three of us are fine, but it’s made life even more interesting as we are now without a vehicle…. :/

Can’t think what else to say, so I’ll cut off here….

This post is also known as bedrest has become more complicated for me.

For the first few days of bed rest I was able to use the couch, but then I started having worse and worse digestion issues, as well as having my lupus and fibromyalgia flaring up, so I spent a couple of days in bed and pretty much constantly flat. Now I’m even ending up with indigestion and vomiting while there, and I’m limited on what I can take to deal with it due to the medication they have me on to stop the labor. On top of that, although we have managed to mostly stop the labor, I was having contractions two minutes apart earlier… I had a couple at two minutes apart (really strong ones), then one five minutes later (a bit weaker), then a fourth about 20 or 30 minutes later (thankfully MUCH weaker)…. this happened while I was laying on the couch, hardly moving, just resting and watching a tv show on Netflix.

I’m also (admittedly this is much less concerning than the contractions) frustrated by the limitations being stuck actually in bed are putting on me…. the most I can do with the laptop is type to Johnny (when he’s in a different room than me) that I need food or whatever (we have a messenger set up specifically for our computers), and to listen to audio books and do the occasional tweet or facebook status… beyond that I’m basically cut off because of having to be on my side when I’m in there… I’m too flat to be able to be on my back, so I end up hurting my joints just trying to do those few things…

Obviously the thing that matters most in all of this is getting Littlest as close to full term as possible, but even knowing the goal, it doesn’t help the fact I’ve got a ton of pain and health stuff going on, as well as the contractions and other preterm labor things. And traveling a little over an hour each way to my OB each week and having to be in a vehicle isn’t helpful with any of this either.

I’m thankful to be pregnant, I’m thankful to get to have my baby… but after all I went through to get here does it have to be so hard just to maintain the pregnancy? I’ve had medical interventions (medications, bedrest) on and off (more on than off) throughout the whole pregnancy, and it looks like the ones leading to this point were just the beginning. 😦

And now that I’ve finished eating a (plain) waffle to settle my stomach I’m going to go back to bed (I had to get up to get it, my stomach wasn’t allowing me to be in bed anymore)….

I’ve got to tell you, this bed rest… it’s an odd place to be.

I’ve been here before with this pregnancy, and know it’s not quite as odd if they just have you taking it easy as it is when they tell you your baby’s head is engaged and you are in very early labor (thankfully not affecting the cervix yet)….

Having Littlest’s head engaged has taken this all to a new level though. I mean… there is a head in my actual pelvis, pushing on my cervix, rectum and tailbone, and everything else around there. My milk came in… that was weird. My mucus plug started thinning as well, though thankfully it didn’t all come out at once… it was just definitely thinning and slowly coming out bit by bit.

The odd place to be though, is that I would love to have Littlest born now because I’m in a decent amount of pain due to bedrest and his/her location, and at the same time I’m hoping this lasts another 7 to 8 weeks. It’s so odd to have those thoughts and feelings wrestling in me. Of course the stronger hope is that we make it to full term, but there is that part of me that is really unsure how long I can physically handle how things are right now. I also realize Littlest will be here before I know it, but looking at it from where I’m at right now, it seems like it’s going to be forever….

Edit: Oh. .. I forgot to mention… other than the occasional contraction labor has halted, thanks to a combination of a medication (one I actually had in the house lol) and staying down most of the time. My milk has stopped leaking (though it is still there), and my mucus plug has stopped breaking apart. The only signs left of my PTL experience are the contractions when they show. Of course I’m still taking it easy to avoid it all starting up again, but the good news is that it is calm for now.

Yesterday was a scheduled OB appt. We went in, knowing that it was likely I’d be put on some kind of restrictions, almost guaranteed I’d be on pelvic rest at the very least, andl ikely on bedrest.
Let me back up…. I’ve been having more and more contractions over the past week. Early this morning I woke up from a dream due to the contractions. Also, on sunday my discharge changed, and that was a bit worrisome since it’s been pretty much the same the whole pregnancy up to this point. This was a sudden change, and very definite, not just a tiny change, it was obvious. My breasts have been hurting more again the past week and I’ve been wondering if my milk was coming in or if I was getting ready for it to…. well the other night we found out the answer, as I started leaking, and I have been (on and off) since… for about 36 hours now.
When we got there I was weighed, and we did my blood pressure check, after which Johnny and I talked to the nurse about all that’s been going on, and she entered it for the doctor to look at before coming in to see me. The doctor who saw me yesterday (mine is out of town) was the on call, so he had to go up to L&D at the hospital a couple of times. When he got in to see us and we started talking about everything he told us he was going to start doing tests to see if we could find out what was going on, and to make sure I wasn’t going into labor already.
First they did a pelvic exam, checked my cervix, did an fFN test, and found out Littlest’s head is already in position for birth. So far the fFN test is negative, we’ll do it again in a couple of weeks. That means that there is a 99% chance I will not be going into full on labor in the next two weeks. It’s not guaranteed I won’t of course, but it’s highly unlikely. My cervix is still closed up completely, which is the good news we got today. After the pelvic was done I was hooked up to a fetal monitor and they had us keep it right with L for 15 minutes (I think it actually ended up being more like 25 or 30 because they have to have a constant heartbeat for at least 15 minutes, and Littlest did NOT like that and kept scooting away). We monitored the heart rate that whole time, and they also recorded my contractions. In the 20 minutes or so that they were able to record and use to check out I ended up having a few (they didn’t give me a number) contractions. After that the OB came back in and talked to us and put me on a medication that I’m to take when the contractions start up so my uterus will stop contracting again. I’ve also been put on full bedrest. I can go to doc appts, but that’s about all I’m supposed to leave the house for. Other than going to the bathroom I’m supposed to be on the couch or in bed at all times. I’m also limited on weights I can lift, and other activities (this is called pelvic rest). Once the OB was done talking to us we were taken to the ultrasound room, where they did a few different checks. They checked Littlest’s heart and heart rate, they checked measurements (Littlest is a week behind size-wise… technically it’s 10 days, but they say they can be off by 3 days, so they are calling it a week. S/he’s also weighing a bit over 2 lbs if they are correct in the measurements), and then they measured my cervix… or attempted to. When they got to the cervical part of the ultrasound the first thing that was seen was Littlest’s head pushed all the way down into my pelvis…. where it should be for labor and delivery. The doctor had noticed that while doing the exam (and promptly stopped the exam) and it was confirmed during that portion of the ultrasound. They did their best to measure the cervix, but it wasn’t showing up well, what she could see matched up pretty closely with what the doctor observed during the exam though, so for now no need to go to the hospital or anything.
After that we got food (we were gone A LOT longer than expected, we left around 1pm and didn’t get home until after 6pm) and came home and I’ve been on the couch since.

Oh, also, the OB thinks that my contractions don’t actually stop when I walk around like I thought they did, but that they just aren’t as easy to feel, so that’s why I’m on bedrest even though they seem to stop with a light amount of movement.

So I have a cyst that seems to be getting ready to pop (yes… even though I’m right around the third trimester – either I hit it Monday, or last Monday was the big day, depending on where you look) I’m still dealing with cysts… I seem to have had them the whole pregnancy.
I decided awhile ago I was going to come lay down in our bed and take a nap…. after laying here for a bit I started having a lot of pain hit….. running from just below my lowest ribs on my left side, to mid thigh… .eventually it started running all the way down my left to my foot….. I ended up nauseated and having just a lot of pain…
Thankfullly I still had the laptop in our room from last night when I was trying to wind down for sleep… so I was able to roll over and grab it, start it up, and message Johnny asking him to get me ginger brew (Reeds Extra Ginger Brew is a wonderful thing), toast and some pain meds… and he did it for me. He then helped me sit up so I could actually use those things… and brought my glasses to me so I can lay here using the laptop and distract myself.
I’m so tired of cysts though… yet another sign I shouldn’t do another pregnancy… at least when I’m not pregnant they only happen every 3 cycles at the most frequent… they’ve been continuous while pregnant though. 😦

The good in all of this… that I had the laptop in here with me and was able to get Johnny’s help without having to drag myself out of bed (not sure how I’d have done so) and get those things… I think I’d have just stayed in bed sobbing until he checked on me in a couple of hours if I hadn’t had it. 😦

I’ve been asked this more than a few times (since before finally getting pregnant with Littlest and getting him/her to stick around so long), in varying degrees of politeness and concern.
There are several things going on around and after the birth that will help, though neither of us are expecting everything to be easy. We do realize we are going to be parenting with both of us having chronic pain (and that we do so already, but it’s not the same since they are older and more able to take care of immediate needs)… and have some plans in place.
One, Johnny’s parents and half sister live in the area, and we have friends in town and in the area who (although I’m not as close to as I’d like) will help out. Two, my mom (and possibly my dad, depending on timing and how long my mom will be out for) will be out … probably in February once our snow fall is generally a bit less. After my mom goes home I have other friends and family members who want to come visit and help, so we’ll likely try to arrange it so (other than a couple of days between so we have just the three of us again) we can have people around to help for a bit. Three, part of our plan involves cosleeping, which will make it easier to take care of Littlest’s needs (I’ve been getting some practice cosleeping lately, though with a year old child, which I realize isn’t the same since he’s not waking up needing diaper changes all the time… he does have a bottle in bed with him though, and does wake up wanting it every couple hours if not more frequently) and it does definitely make it easier than having baby in a crib or cradle… though we will have a crib for times when we can’t be in bed with Littlest, or if for some reason it doesn’t work out to cosleep, never fear!), and are breastfeeding as long as I can actually do so, which means no needing to get up and do bottles, etc. … I had a point four but I can’t remember it right now, however we do have a course of action in mind, and are working on making things as … workable as we can. It helps that Johnny has had two infants in the past, so he’s able to help with the planning and getting things set up so we can take care of Littlest’s needs while taking our situation into account.

We did not find out the gender today, but we did get to see all the organs and everything (other than gender, as I said)…

Littlest was showing the fact s/he does belong in this family – being completely stubborn, blocking us from getting all the heart pictures (that has been the big concern due to the fact a heart defect runs in my family, as due murmurs and the fact my lupus can cause heart problems for Littlest as well). Also, when we tried to get face pictures s/he kept turning away and/or using hands to block us from getting many good face pictures lol.

Everything looks good! S/he’s small at this point, but other than that everything looks good, and the size isn’t a big deal at this point, though we do now have an extra appointment with the perinatologist beyond what was originally expected … we go back in 7 weeks or so. The doctor isn’t too worried about anything at this point, but does want to follow the size and make sure that growth does start happening properly.

I have not been told to go on bed rest, but I am to take it as easy as I can.