I just tried to cook some eggs because I’m hungry and that’s what sounded good. I fail at cooking eggs, always have… though I’m getting better at fried eggs. But no, I didn’t want them fried I wanted them scrambled!!
Which made me think of other eggs…. The ones that are supposed to be turning into embryos, then babies? They fail too. More accurately it’s my uterus and/or immune system that fail probably… don’t know the reason for the miscarriages, but they were far enough along to have started developing, so obviously they weren’t just failed implants (which wouldn’t have been noticed)….. GRRR! I’m a bit angry tonight at the whole situation… hell…. I’m PMSing or having something hormonal going on, so I’m just pissed off!!
Which makes me think of a funny conversation with a friend earlier:
Me: I’m PMSing HARD right now
Friend: 😦
Me: I’m going into bitch mode lol… I think I’ll stay away from blogging and forums and other places on the Interwebz!
Friend: lol good idea
Other conversation of places I should avoid online (like places that people I know and don’t necessarily agree with’s sites) takes place
Me: especially the last one? 😛
Friend: lol no comment
Friend: i want to keep breathing
Me: lol I won’t bitch at you
Some other conversation of safe things for me to do (myspace bulletins and so on), as well as unrelated conversation
Friend: well i’m gonna get to bed
Me: ok sleep well
Me: hope you can sleep!
Friend: thanks, i’m starting to nod off so don’t think it’ll be a problem
Friend: you have a good night
Friend: no breaking things or killing people unless you check with me first
Me: lol k
Me: expect texts >.>
Me: for permission
Me: lol!
Friend: LOL
Friend: expect the 20th response from me to be something “i don’t give a damn jenny, just kill em all!

Edit: So after the failed eggs I tossed some frozen pancakes in the toaster oven, following the directions on the box… easy to make right? WRONG they had to be tossed into the microwave to finish cooking, even though they were in there the proper amount of time at the proper heat….because they didn’t cook all the way.
Of course the pan I used for the eggs is a bit warped now (the bottom isn’t flat anymore … it was a cheapy) and Johnny guesses that was the issue there. And I don’t know what to think about the pancakes, but my guess is that since they’ve been in the freezer for months now they were more frozen than the instruction writer expected……
Either way, not a good night for food.
Thankfully Johnny picked up cottage cheese for me as I’d requested, so I have that to snack on! 🙂

E had a doc appt Tuesday, he’s now on a different pain med which seems to be working better for him (he’s sleeping again, and not having to sleep as long to try to feel rested, the sleep is restful and he gets a good 8 hours almost every day so far… Thanksgiving being an exception due to timing of eating and all of that), he has a new bp med which we haven’t had money for yet, and he is to have an epi pen at all times (no money for that yet either). His cholesterol is high, so we are changing our diet some more, but there aren’t too many more changes we can make, it’s just a matter of them actually starting to make a difference… we made some huge changes to our diet about two months ago, though we’ve been eating pretty healthily over all since we got our own place about 15 months ago. When money gets tight we’ve had to go back to cheap food, but now that we have the food stamps things are a lot better. So we just need to make some adjustments and things will be good as far as diet. The other thing the doc said would generally be recommended is exercise, but with E’s hip, and the fact he walks at least 4 miles a night at work, the doc was more concerned with him not getting more walking in lol. E’s been having elbow issues lately (the past few months, but it’s gotten really bad the last three weeks or so), and the doc examined it while we were up there… he suspects some form of degenerative arthritis, though is unsure what kind, or why. There have never been injuries to that elbow, so they aren’t sure what is going on yet… we need to go get xrays done on it.
We both survived Thanksgiving… it went pretty well over all. 🙂 And E survived working Thurs night/Friday morning so that’s good too. We have a storm coming in so both of us are hurting, but we would have been anyway, me from just going out to spend an hour or so with E’s family and trying to keep myself functioning well enough for that time to be sociable, especially since it was more than just his immediate family there. It was E and I, E’s mom and step dad, his half sister, his step sister and his step sister’s boyfriend. Some friends of his sisters’ stopped by at one point too. I fixed the salad I made (not all of the ingredients had found their way to our house) and sat down in a chair, where I stayed for pretty much the whole hour we were there. I was up for maybe 1/4 of our time with his family, the rest was spent sitting down. But I did ok acting normal and came home, relaxed a bit, and E and I went to sleep. I’ve been sleeping 10+ hours almost every time I’ve gone to sleep since. I think I’ve had one nap for a couple of hours, but otherwise each time I close my eyes I am out for several hours. I’m on new pain meds, which I’m sure are lending themselves to the sleep situation as well.
I think that’s all the news here…
I’ll be talking to E at some point this weekend about the name thing I mentioned in my last post, I’ll try to remember to post about it afterwards, but my memory is affected lately (more than usual) so we’ll see… I’m just so tired all the time right now while trying to adjust to the meds. Which is both good and bad…. I’m getting lots of sleep, which I really need after all the sleep issues of the last few months, but I’m also having memory issues because of being so tired. And no, I’m not taking the full prescribed dose, my doctor and I both feel I should take the least amount possible and only increase to the full dose if I have to.
Oh, and I’m also at the point in my cycle where I’d normally be getting ready for a period, so we’ll see what happens when I try to push past it with this birth control…. I’m worried there isn’t enough estrogen, but we shall see…. that’s all playing a role in how tired (and emotional) I am right now too….

OH! I never shared my news. Last week (or the week before, I can’t remember now) I received a letter in the mail from our Walmart saying I needed to get my paperwork for my leave turned in or they were going to terminate my position. My doctor had taken over two months to even get the paperwork back to me, and I needed to find my paperwork, so I got this letter about a week after finally getting my paperwork from the doc. E and I talked about it and decided that since it’s been over a year since I went on leave, and almost a year since I was released by my doctors to return, as long as I was given a chair to sit in and a certain position (people greeter), and Walmart still hasn’t let me back, that it was just time to give up on it, especially since I have applied for SSI/SSDI now. So I’m finally free of all that drama!! 🙂

Yes – totally emo here.

Between my period, and a lot of things that have happened over the last few days, which have canceled some things I was extremely excited about, and changed other things – I feel like I’m falling apart. I was holding together, in fact I’d say I was holding together incredibly well – then my period hit.

E and I have the same conversation every month around my period – shows just how much my hormones affect my depression (which isn’t nearly as bad around my period). I tell him I feel like everything is falling apart and I’m scared I’m following in my family’s footsteps with bi-polar, but I know it’s not extreme enough for that to actually be what’s going on. I feel like I go from (almost) manic in the week leading up to my period, to suddenly feeling my world is falling apart and wanting nothing more than to hide under the covers for my whole period. His response is always the same (and always correct – if I listen to him I get myself back to normal) “You need to chill”…. I could have this conversation in my sleep, but I always need to hear or see him tell me this before I realize the truth in it.

And once I listen – I feel calmer – maybe not less emo, maybe not a whole lot better, but I feel strong enough to face this day, and the next and the next and so on.

Some days I really hate being an adult – I wish I could just hide under the covers and let the world crash around me like I did when I was a teenager – at the same time though… I wouldn’t go back to those hard days even if I could. And honestly, each month I get a bit stronger, even if that strength seems to disappear when I first start my period, it gets easier each month to just chill – and to remember that all will be right, even if it doesn’t feel that way right in that moment.

Well, I’m getting ready to start my period finally… after over a week (GRRR!!!) of PMS…. I just hope it starts soon.  At the same time I’m frustrated though…. I had my period the day after Thanksgiving (that made me wonderful company on Thanksgiving I’m sure….>.>), Christmas Day (luckily we celebrated Christmas with family on Christmas Eve), E’s birthday, and now it should start Valentine’s Day or the day after……. I’m scared to look and see what else my period is going F*** with if it stays on this cycle.  It’s been pretty steady around 26-28 days since my first period after going off birth control, so unless I manage to get pregnant I’m not sure that’ll change right away…. the first time I went on birth control I was only on it a couple months (I got HORRIBLE migraines from it, among other side effects – I will NEVER go on Ortho Tri Cyclen again if I can go back on birth control) and I was able to have pretty regular periods for…. I think 3 years or so… regular as in  cycle, not as in pain. 
What else is going on with me…..
Hmmm…. My plaq seems to be helping somewhat, though I still have over a month til I can expect it to be in full effectiveness, hopefully it gets there before that point.  Storms cause me to flare still, though the flares differ storm to storm, and I’m not sure the plaq will ever help with that, though we’ll see what happens.
I’ve had a nasty headache the last couple days, so I’m pretty convinced my period will be soon, though I was guessing it would start last night sometime… so I seem to just be  having worse than average pms this month, I hope it stops soon, this is pretty miserable. 
M has really started accepting E, so that helps brighten my days even more.  🙂
E brought new toys home for M the other night, they were brand new and going to be thrown away, so he “rescued” them.  M has been playing with them anytime he’s awake and not being lazy or cuddly.  He’s been more active again since getting them too, which is good, he’d gained weight since he was being fed two times a day (I didn’t realize that or I would have cut his food in half…….. E was feeding him every morning also…. I now tease  him about sneaking M food when I am wondering if he’s fed him again or not… and the answer is no, since I realized and made a fuss about it he’s stopped)… and now he’s finally losing it again.  🙂
I think my biggest struggle with this period (at least right now) is the fact I’m getting ready to have one again.  I’m not saying now would be a good time for a baby, the opposite  is true in fact… I ‘m out of work, E’s hours have been cut (well, everyone at Walmart is getting less hours right now, but yah… not everyone’s hours affect E and I), and money is pretty tight just for paying bills we have already…let alone adding expenses to it.  I think we’d end up having to move back in with my in laws if that happened, which would definitely not be a good situation.  I’m still struggling though, I’ve been off birth control for … a few months now (brain not working for figuring out how long) and no pregnancy yet.  We haven’t been “trying” but we also haven’t been… avoiding trying lol.  I think I’m struggling with this more right now for a few reasons, one – I know several women who have been able to “just” get pregnant like it’s no big deal…. in fact a few of the pregnancies have been unplanned, and others, well it just happened right away when they decided they want a baby.  Not all of this is recent, but it just adds up to me being miserable when I’m struggling with this.  Another is that my best female friend has two beautiful boys, both were, for different reasons, surprises.  She and her husband are struggling, and I don’t think they’ve had many good times in the…. 3 1/2 years (I think) that they’ve been together.  He is now trying to pressure her into having another baby, in hopes of a girl.  …. And I’m going to cut off here there is so much I could rant about in that situation…
I know many women who either their period is no big deal,  or they are relieved to get it because they aren’t pregnant then (or at least that’s what they think, since some women still have “periods” throughout pregnancy)… for me, when I was on birth control the only reason my period was a big deal was pain, otherwise, I didn’t care that I was getting them.  Now…. now I struggle each time I get one, because my heart breaks more.  It’s like every month my hope swells, even though I know it’s not a great time at the moment (but I also know we’d make it somehow) and it’s crushed every month when I get my period.  Just because my brain knows all the stuff about chances of a healthy woman getting pregnant any month, and how our circumstances are and everything else…. it doesn’t mean that my heart cares.  My heart just yearns for a child…. I’d love to be able to experience pregnancy, and giving birth (I don’t think it’s going to be pain free or whatever else, I don’t have awesome expectations for it to be the most perfect moment ever, I know it’s going to hurt and be hard) and get to see my baby from birth on…. I am not against adoption, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want children of my own flesh and blood as well.  The thing that scares me most about getting pregnant, and having bio kids is the risk of passing on anything autoimmune, they may not even end up with the same illnesses I have, my mom and I share two of her 3 illnesses, and we only share two of the whole mess (what am I up to now, 4 or 5?) that I have… I’m not sure I could deal with myself if my kids ended up as sick as me.  I’m also not sure how able to take care of them I’d be… especially since lupus generally flares after birth from what I’ve read… though hopefully I’d be one of the lucky ones whose lupus goes into remission with pregnancy and the flares stay away for awhile.  Would I feel guilty knowing that I passed all of it on knowingly?  Would I be there to support them?  Could I deal with myself?  Would they forgive me?  I just…. struggle.  And the fear of having a daughter… since endo definitely runs in my family (my mother has it, I think my grandmother may have and I do)  … would I be dooming her to worse endo than I have?  It seems to have become progressively worse, at least from my mom to me (the two confirmed cases in my family)… what would I be doing to a daughter?  And although I wouldn’t pass the endo on, (and since my case seems linked to the fact I have endo) I probably wouldn’t pass the IC on, and what I’ve been reading says that lupus usually seems to skip generations, so I wouldn’t be likely to pass that on to my kids (though the related issues are not unheard of being passed on) …. could I deal with having a boy either?  Knowing that I still run the risk of passing on the autoimmune factors… and knowing that endo seems to be just as possible to be passed on from the father’s side of the family (I have read a lot of info, in a few books, and I could probably find it online as well) …. just having a female in the family with endo increases the risk of it being passed on, it doesn’t necessarily have to be the mother’s side that has endo running in it for a daughter to end up with it.  I know, I’m putting the cart before the horse here, since we don’t even know that I can’t get pregnant (though I’d say in …the time I’ve been having sex the fact I haven’t been able to get pregnant points towards struggles with getting pregnant at the least… there was birth control used for about a year and a half with my ex, and up to the last few months with E, but there has still been… well over 2 years between it all that I could (and by all rights should with the ex as far as timing went with some of the sex we  had….. when I actually could, and as far as the last few months with E, there’s no reason I shouldn’t be pregnant by now with our child other than my health issues) have become pregnant at some point.  I haven’t officially been called infertile yet, especially since from what I hear, most doctors say it’s 2 years of trying continuously first?  (though I could be wrong)   But…. I’d say my body is showing that it’s not normal, yet again, with all of this.  Not even so much as a blip on the radar the last few years for a pregnancy…. I’ve convinced myself plenty of times that I was, just to get negative pregnancy tests, and my period (even if it was late)… I’m trying so hard to just let go of all of this, I’m sure I don’t help myself by stressing/struggling with it so much, but …. it’s such a part of me to want to be a mother.  I can’t really think of a time I haven’t wanted to be a mother (other than with the concerns of passing things on.  It’s always been a part of me.  My sister calls me “lil mama” for a reason…. including the way I’ve been a second mom to her for years, once we got past all that sibling rivalry crap. 
Anyway, I need to go back to sleep, I’m tired, but I wanted to at least get some of this off my chest…. Thanks for letting me (not that you had a choice LOL)

So two of the big signs I’m pmsing are emotions (either towards depression or serious anger, though usually depression since i’m off the birth control) and food cravings….
Tonight I decided I wanted a burrito (we have the fixings in the fridge), with sour cream…. I go to the fridge and get the ingredients…… grab the sour cream to put it on… and see mold when I open the container… I’m not even sure why it’s moldy… the fridge is always closed unless we are grabbing food, and we only keep stuff out long enough to get our food made. The moldy sour cream almost had me in tears (I like food, but being disappointed about something not being available or not being good anymore doesn’t usually make me cry), and now I can’t fulfill my whole craving.
Frustration time I guess….. 😦

ETA: I forgot to mention, the sour cream still had over a month on it before it was “supposed” to go bad…. the exp. date is somewhere around the 15 – 20 of March… not quite sure when in those 5 days.