So I have decided on a name for my second miscarried angel baby, who I just know (somehow) was a boy, even though the pregnancy wasn’t far enough along for that to be told for sure. I don’t know how I know, I just do. I asked E if he’d like to take part in the naming, but as I expected, he chose not to. We have differing views on miscarriages, especially early ones, so I didn’t think he’d take part, but also didn’t want to leave him out. Since he seems to have decided not to be involved I’ve picked out a name, though if he chooses to get involved before I do my memorial page in my scrapbook the name may change…. as of this time though his name is Benjamin Nicholas. And I doubt that will be changed. I feel a lot more at peace after sharing in an earlier post that I’d known I was pregnant with a boy, and even more at peace now that I have a name. All that’s left for my memorials is to get the things I need to do the pages. I’m not saying this will heal all the pain, but it just seems essential to my grieving process, especially with little Benjamin. So that’s what I’m going to do, whether E wants to be involved or not.

Ok, there have been a lot of parts that could be called “the hardest part”, depending on what time you are looking at… but this is the one I’ve been hung up on so much lately, and the one that has affected me most overall.

It’s been a month and a half now since the miscarriage and I’m still stuck on this, though I’m also being careful to let myself feel it, rather than bottling it up or telling myself to “get over it”… I know myself well enough to know if I do that I’ll end up having to deal with it later, and having it be a lot worse.

I don’t know how I know, especially since I wasn’t far enough along for this to have been decided yet (as far as hormones and all that, I know according to christians this had all ready been decided according to Psalms) but I just know that if the pregnancy had continued we would have found out I was pregnant with a boy… well… I would have given birth to a boy if the pregnancy had gone to term… we don’t want to know gender until birth, so we wouldn’t have found out until the baby was born, but yes… I was pregnant with a baby boy… and it just hurts. The first miscarriage still gets me from time to time, but this one has affected me so much more profoundly because of so many things, and the knowing the gender thing, that’s a huge one!

I had actually held this in for awhile already. I mean that I didn’t share it with anyone, not even E, for about the first month after the miscarriage. Finally, since I was still grieving daily, and just really hurting about all of it, I told him. I had kept it from him because I knew it wouldn’t affect him like it did me (and I was right… but I knew it wouldn’t because these miscarriages haven’t affected him as much either, I’ve asked him a few times…. probably bugged him quite a bit, because I wanted to make sure he wasn’t bottling) and he wouldn’t get it. I kept it from everyone else because I didn’t feel right sharing that with other people if E didn’t even know. Finally a couple weeks ago I just had to share it with E because I knew that it was really holding me back on my grieving to not share. And since I’ve shared with two close friends. Now I’m sharing it with everyone who knows about the miscarriages, because as I open up more I feel myself slowly moving on. I still am grieving, and this is still really affecting me, but I no longer think of the miscarriage daily. Sometimes I even go two or three days without thinking about what happened. I don’t go longer than that, and it’s usually just a day or maybe two between thoughts, but it’s progress.

I think what really needs to happen is for E and I to pick a name for him. I don’t know why, I just think that would help as well… probably because this knowing the gender thing is making it harder on me and it feels like there is a little boy’s soul out there somewhere with no name. /shrug I don’t know. It’s just how I feel. I also want to do some type of memorial thing for both miscarriages… probably a scrapbook page or something. I like Sonja’s idea of a display box with her memorial stuff in it (shown with the altar thing she did for her hyst anniversary), but it’s not quite something I would do, and I think a scrapbook page, and displaying the memorial/care package we received from Yaya elsewhere is more fitting for me/us. I think all of that would really help me heal. I don’t know what name we’ll choose for this baby (we didn’t choose one for the first miscarriage, but the pregnancy wasn’t as far along, and I haven’t had as many attached feelings there as I have with this one) but I think it’s a good idea. I want to keep the name we’ve picked in the case we have a son for if we actually have a live son later on. I have some potential names picked out, but want to talk to E about them first.

I am healing, and I’ll continue to heal, but I think all of this would really help with the grieving and healing processes, as I’ve said. We shall see what happens.

Before anything else is said I want to make it EXTREMELY clear I am not suicidal. I want to live. There are some parts of my life that are very difficult, and which make it hard to live a full life, but overall I’d call my life pretty good. I have some very awesome parts in my life as well, and most of it is just… normal. I do get caught up in all the health stuff all too often, but it also takes up a huge amount of my energy. I have love and goals and dreams and friends and a lot of wonderful parts of my life. I also promised E he’s stuck with me for the rest of his life, and haunting him (lol) doesn’t seem quite like I’d be sticking to that promise! I want to grow old with him, and I want to be a part of Gamer and Duckling’s lives, and watch them graduate, and have a bio kid (though more and more I’m wondering about that…) and so many other things!
However, I’m also wondering more and more how much longer my body can make it. I have multiple chronic illnesses, and right now they are doing tests that will likely diagnose me with another one, and not only will it be another chronic illness, but it’s likely to be another serious one.
My pancreas seems to be the problem. I don’t know for sure yet, but that’s what the doctor is looking into, and I’ve been discussing things with a friend who has autoimmune pancreatitis (I linked to chronic pancreatitis, but my understanding is it’s about the same thing, just that autoimmune pancreatitis has autoimmune factors as well) and has told me (after hearing/reading my symptoms) that my flares and day to day stuff sound like what she deals with. She’s given me some suggestions on foods to eat, and to avoid, and confirmed my suspicion that it was meat causing the biggest issue, but has taken it a step further and told me it’s likely protein, which, looking back and also looking at the flare I’m in right now, makes perfect sense. I haven’t had a lot of meat recently, I more or less cut it out of my diet when I got so sick in late August and through Sept. but I have been eating A LOT of protein containing foods – especially eggs (which are unusual for me) and peanut butter (which I love)! It also explains why the Ensure Plus makes me ill and gives me heartburn.. there is more protein in there… and actually it’s quite a bit per bottle compared with my normal diet. :/
On top of that they still have no idea what’s going on with my heart. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this, or how much, but my heart races for no apparent reason. My blood pressure is in normal ranges, so that’s good at least, but my heart just races and races most of the time. They’ve done a few different tests that “should” have shown the reason for this, and so far they haven’t found any answer. The only thing that is obviously wrong with my heart is a very mild murmur, which should not be causing any issues at all, and seems to be unrelated to the fast paced heart.
And of course I have lupus, which I am treating, but I really don’t think the treatment I’m on is enough, while I understand the reluctance to treat it more aggressively at this point because it’s not severe, my quality of life is seriously impacted by what is going on with it day to day, and while I can be more active when I take my meds than when we’ve tried cutting the dose, I still have struggles day to day with it. I’m not asking for or expecting a cure or to never have bad days, but it would be nice to have a day or two at least once a month where I’m not dealing with it… and I’m lucky to get that every 6 months, even if I isolate myself, and avoid the sun and take perfect care of myself. It’s getting extremely frustrating.
I also have (as mentioned above) other chronic health issues, and between all of it I’m just worn out. Tired and unsure how much longer it’s possible to deal with this, and not sure how much longer my body will function. Some would say I’m overreacting, but honestly, it’s been a scary year, and I have survived, but… not without A LOT of wear and tear on my body and more than a few issues. I just really am not sure how much longer my body can handle all of the physical strain it’s under… and that thought horrifies and upsets me immensely.

E and I are discussing whether or not to keep trying right now.

I’m on a new medication (which may have cause our latest miscarriage, though there are a lot of possible reasons) which is helping with my Raynaud’s. I can actually feel my toes and they’ve been red or pink every time I’ve taken off my socks for about a week now!! I can’t remember the last time my toes were red unless I’d been running hot water over them!

However, this new medication is a Class C drug for pregnancy (and breastfeeding?)… and the information about it specifically says it can cause miscarriages and newborn death. 😦 So we’re discussing taking a break from trying and having me go on birth control for the winter to give my hands and feet a break. The problem is that the last time it took us 7 months (give or take a week or two) to get pregnant after I went off the birth control. I know it was out of my system sooner than that because of how I was feeling, but I don’t want to risk another 7 months before pregnancy, as I can only be off the blood pressure med 5 months a year due to our weather here…. so I may just go back off the blood pressure medication once I finish this month of trying it out, and wait to go on it again until after I’m done with pregnancy and breast feeding. Or pregnancy at the very least, no guarantees on whether I’ll be able to breastfeed or not, we shall see if (when?) we get there. I’m also not sure I want to wait much longer to get pregnant and have a baby considering ages and health. We’re not old by any means, but I’d like E to be able to enjoy having a baby again, and Gamer is 9 years old… I won’t say how old E is, but… well… it is a consideration. Also we’d like to have a baby before our kids are teenagers…. and Gamer is getting there…. Duckling is 4 years younger than him, but we’d really like to have another kid before either of them are teens. (For those who are wondering, I’m not giving exact amounts of years here, but I’m around 16 years older than Gamer, and 20 years older than Duckling, and for those who are just joining us, they are my (step)kids.)

I do want to take at least a short break no matter what, I need it, the last few months and the two miscarriages have been very rough on me. And I need some time to heal. Also I’d like to get some of my counseling done before getting pregnant again, just a personal preference since everything is getting so rough on me mentally right now. I firmly believe I need to take care of me before I can take care of a baby at this point… I’m not in a state where I’d want to try to deal with another pregnancy or a baby. Plus I think a break from having to focus on trying to get pregnant would be a good thing. I think after a year it’s a good idea, and I think that it will give us a chance to look at how things have gone and decide if we want to keep trying or not, it’s been a rough year on both of us, though E has handled it better (differently?) than I have… and it’s definitely affected me more… I wouldn’t say that if I hadn’t talked to him about it on different occasions and asked how he’s doing and his opinion on things, but from how our conversations have gone it’s definitely a true statement. We’re also in a different place than we were a year ago, I don’t necessarily mean physically, but financially and healthwise things have definitely taken some changes that need to be considered. Things have also changed in a lot of other aspects in our lives, and I think all of those things are important to look at before we decide what to do.

I’d be surprised if we decide to stop trying… but I think we will definitely decide to take a break for a couple months. That seems to be the way our talks were leaning. Another thing to talk about is how many more miscarriages are we willing to go through (if they continue to happen) since they have a definite toll on me physically and emotionally, and have an emotional toll on E as well. I told him while we were in the (physical) process of going through the last one that I don’t think I can handle too many more. I don’t think either of us want to go through anymore even without the rough time that I go through, and even without the emotional impact on both of us.

One thing I know for certain, as we’d talked about this even before we were ready to start trying, is that we won’t do any type of fertility treatments. My body has been through enough hormones, I’d rather not going on birth control again if we had many other options, but we really don’t. 😦 And neither of us want me on birth control long term again for sure. We’ve looked at the options, and weighed pros and cons of them, and have decided that we just can’t see doing the physical strain on my body of month after month of different meds and hormones, and also the financial cost, especially without a guarantee we’d have any more success than we have been at this point.. it’s just not someplace we are willing to go.

If we don’t manage to have another child, we already have two great children, and although they aren’t with us all the time, we are in their lives year round, and we do have an awesome cat. We’d both like another child, and Gamer and Duckling would love a little brother or sister, but we shall see what happens, and leave it at that.

E and I are discussing whether or not to keep trying right now.

I’m on a new medication (which may have cause our latest miscarriage, though there are a lot of possible reasons) which is helping with my Raynaud’s. I can actually feel my toes and they’ve been red or pink every time I’ve taken off my socks for about a week now!! I can’t remember the last time my toes were red unless I’d been running hot water over them!

However, this new medication is a Class C drug for pregnancy (and breastfeeding?)… and the information about it specifically says it can cause miscarriages and newborn death. 😦 So we’re discussing taking a break from trying and having me go on birth control for the winter to give my hands and feet a break. The problem is that the last time it took us 7 months (give or take a week or two) to get pregnant after I went off the birth control. I know it was out of my system sooner than that because of how I was feeling, but I don’t want to risk another 7 months before pregnancy, as I can only be off the blood pressure med 5 months a year due to our weather here…. so I may just go back off the blood pressure medication once I finish this month of trying it out, and wait to go on it again until after I’m done with pregnancy and breast feeding. Or pregnancy at the very least, no guarantees on whether I’ll be able to breastfeed or not, we shall see if (when?) we get there. I’m also not sure I want to wait much longer to get pregnant and have a baby considering ages and health. We’re not old by any means, but I’d like E to be able to enjoy having a baby again, and Gamer is 9 years old… I won’t say how old E is, but… well… it is a consideration. Also we’d like to have a baby before our kids are teenagers…. and Gamer is getting there…. Duckling is 4 years younger than him, but we’d really like to have another kid before either of them are teens. (For those who are wondering, I’m not giving exact amounts of years here, but I’m around 16 years older than Gamer, and 20 years older than Duckling, and for those who are just joining us, they are my (step)kids.)

I do want to take at least a short break no matter what, I need it, the last few months and the two miscarriages have been very rough on me. And I need some time to heal. Also I’d like to get some of my counseling done before getting pregnant again, just a personal preference since everything is getting so rough on me mentally right now. I firmly believe I need to take care of me before I can take care of a baby at this point… I’m not in a state where I’d want to try to deal with another pregnancy or a baby. Plus I think a break from having to focus on trying to get pregnant would be a good thing. I think after a year it’s a good idea, and I think that it will give us a chance to look at how things have gone and decide if we want to keep trying or not, it’s been a rough year on both of us, though E has handled it better (differently?) than I have… and it’s definitely affected me more… I wouldn’t say that if I hadn’t talked to him about it on different occasions and asked how he’s doing and his opinion on things, but from how our conversations have gone it’s definitely a true statement. We’re also in a different place than we were a year ago, I don’t necessarily mean physically, but financially and healthwise things have definitely taken some changes that need to be considered. Things have also changed in a lot of other aspects in our lives, and I think all of those things are important to look at before we decide what to do.

I’d be surprised if we decide to stop trying… but I think we will definitely decide to take a break for a couple months. That seems to be the way our talks were leaning. Another thing to talk about is how many more miscarriages are we willing to go through (if they continue to happen) since they have a definite toll on me physically and emotionally, and have an emotional toll on E as well. I told him while we were in the (physical) process of going through the last one that I don’t think I can handle too many more. I don’t think either of us want to go through anymore even without the rough time that I go through, and even without the emotional impact on both of us.

One thing I know for certain, as we’d talked about this even before we were ready to start trying, is that we won’t do any type of fertility treatments. My body has been through enough hormones, I’d rather not going on birth control again if we had many other options, but we really don’t. 😦 And neither of us want me on birth control long term again for sure. We’ve looked at the options, and weighed pros and cons of them, and have decided that we just can’t see doing the physical strain on my body of month after month of different meds and hormones, and also the financial cost, especially without a guarantee we’d have any more success than we have been at this point.. it’s just not someplace we are willing to go.

If we don’t manage to have another child, we already have two great children, and although they aren’t with us all the time, we are in their lives year round, and we do have an awesome cat. We’d both like another child, and Gamer and Duckling would love a little brother or sister, but we shall see what happens, and leave it at that.

“Stop multitasking with your health!” ~ Sonja
“I try not to, but it just happens!” ~ Me

So… I’m doing a minor lupus flare, dealing with whatever is happening with my weight (still haven’t gained any, but I haven’t lost any either, so at least I’m holding steady), having my period, and on top of all of that I’m dealing with some kind of cold or flu… coughing, stuffed up nose and headache… as well as just an icky feeling in my chest… like it’s tight or something.

The good news is in spite of all of this my emotions are remaining pretty even. I had a day where I was in the doldrums, I believe I mentioned it a couple of days ago. Other than that day my moods have been pretty even though. 🙂 So things are ok here. 🙂

E’s now on his days off, so we’re spending time together. Bills have been paid, thanks in part to my in laws. We have the appt for the food stamps and state disability aid on Wednesday. I also have the name of the lady to talk to at the health department about medicaid. I received a packet from Social Security the other day, and part of it was a letter regarding food stamps and the fact we qualify for them due to applying for disability, so that will be going with us.

I think that for the most part our time before he goes off will be spent relaxing together at home. E may go hang out with a friend for awhile tomorrow afternoon, and we have the appt Wednesday morning, but otherwise I think it’s just a home weekend. And we’ll see if E goes this weekend or waits for next weekend.

I talked to my rheumatologist’s office today about some paperwork, and mentioned my (failed) lab tests, she said to let them know when I do manage to get them done, and to drink a lot of water before I go. We also decided to cancel my appt and reschedule once the tests are done so they’ll actually have the results before the appt. So hopefully sometime this week I can go get them done and reschedule the appt. We’ll see what happens.

Some good things that have happened lately: We’ve talked to the kids a few times lately. Unfortunately they don’t have a phone right now, service was cut off, but we will be able to continue talking through emails, which we’ve done before when one set of parents or the other lost phone service. But we talked to them either 3 or 4 times in the last 7 days or so. 🙂 And I talked to them for quite awhile yesterday morning. They both get so happy when they get to talk to us, and it was so cute the other morning when Duckling called us (she called the night before, but I had started spotting earlier that day, and wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t really concentrate on what she was saying), when I answered she said “J! J! J! J!” and was squealing and sooo excited to get to talk to me. 🙂 And Gamer and I can talk for quite awhile, so we generally do. Between the kids, and them getting to talk to both of us, phone conversations usually end up being at least an hour, part of it with Duckling being silly and excited and cute with her Daddy and I, and part of it being Gamer having in depth conversations about books he is reading, or some about school, or video games or tv shows with us. 🙂 We have such wonderful kids! I love them so much!! 😀 I can’t wait for next summer when we have them again!
E and I have been spending time together whenever we’re both awake and home, and just enjoying each other’s company. He also comes and curls up with me in bed within a couple hours of getting home if I’m still in bed… I think it was 3 mornings during his last work week (including this morning) he curled up in bed with me within 2 hours of getting home from work, and I get lots of cuddles when that happens. 🙂 It’s a lot easier for me to fall back asleep while cuddling than to fall asleep the first time around while being cuddled… because I’m already in a comfy spot and he just curls up with me however I’m laying. 🙂 I’ve been feeling very loved, and I know he has also! 🙂
M has been making us laugh a lot, and the other day he didn’t want to let me out of his sight (he’s also been staying in bed with me even after E gets home, rather than coming out to the front room with E), so he went into the bathroom with me, which isn’t so unusual. This time however he decided I was moving too slow and he wanted attention, so he jumped on the toilet so I’d be able to reach him easier… the issue was I’d just opened the lid!!! Luckily he caught himself on the seat, he had all four paws in about a 2 square inch area (quite the feat for a big cat) and I was able to push him off the seat before momentum pushed him into the bowl lol! It was very amusing, I was still laughing after I got out of the bathroom and got back to E so I could tell him about it!

A situation that I’m not going into happened and we have the kids for a couple more weeks (at least unless something changes overnight) …… I’m not complaining for any reason other than the fact it upset the kids a lot to hear that they aren’t going to get to go home, since they’ve been working up to a frenzy about it for almost a week now…….
So they’ll be here for awhile longer probably, and we’re back to the plan of me taking the train out to get them home and to visit my family…. at least that’s the likely situation, as I mentioned in the first sentence.
Wish us all luck!

Edit: All three of them will be here until Monday or so, if not longer, depending on when someone can drive them to the station.