Continuing on from this post I went to bed after eating, though I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep right away between nerves, psyching myself up that things would be fine, and having to pee from all the fluids they gave me. I finally somehow managed to sleep for a bit before Johnny got home, then we cuddled for a bit and I slept a bit more until I needed to wake up and start making sure I had enough water in my system for the ultrasound (for some reason they wanted to do an outer ultrasound even though I’m not very far along, so it wasn’t likely to show up well), at which point my nerves went into overdrive. When I finally got to the hospital I was almost wetting myself, so I ended up going into the restroom while I waited and emptying my bladder part way before I was called back. It was a good thing because I barely made it through the ultrasound with the partially emptied bladder. We were able to see the sac, but I’m not super far along so we decided to do a transvag ultrasound to see if it would all show up better. So while I was changing the u/s tech went and grabbed a woman to stay in the room with us (the tech was a male) and she helped me get everything set up and covered so he could come back in and do his job. Then he had a screen set up so I could watch the ultrasound… it was sooooo cool! First we were not zoomed in very far, but we could see the sac more clearly. After that he zoomed in more and I got to see the heartbeat. At that point I started crying because it was so amazing! I’ve never made it that far before, and I’ve never had an ultrasound until after miscarrying, or when dealing with cysts. I think I worried the tech and the lady who was in there with us a bit because suddenly they were asking if I was alright, so I explained to them about the past miscarriages and never seeing this before, and the lady came over and held may hand and started pointing things out to me, it was soooo cool. I wish Johnny could have been there, but works was really rough on him Sunday night, so he was sleeping. He’ll be with me on Thursday when the ob does an u/s and we meet with her, so he’ll get to see it then, and he’s seen it before, so while he’s excited over our pregnancy, it’s not quite as big of a deal for him to see a heartbeat again. But he has been getting more and more excited, even as we are both feeling more and more cautious over everything. And of course I’m super excited. I have a lot of emotions going on as I’m that much more scared that something is going to go wrong the more attached I get to this pregnancy, but I’m also so extremely happy to have made it this far, I end up in tears every time I think about it, I’m extremely excited too! I can’t wait for Thursday whether the doctor does another ultrasound or not (I need to call and let them know I had one done and see if they want to do another or not), because I get to see and talk to my doctor and find out how she thinks things are looking. I think I’m also in shock about all of this, I never expected to see a pregnancy get so far, so while I’m extremely excited, I’m also terrified because I’m in such new territory. So there are a lot of emotions going on, but I’m pretty positive over all. There is a part of me that probably won’t accept that this is going to work until I’m actually in labor due to all that has gone on in the past, and that is trying to prepare me for the what if’s because I do need to protect myself some at this point since so much could still go wrong with the pregnancy, but I’m also super excited and positive. And that outweighs the rest of my emotions by far! 🙂
I think I’m going to check with the health department (I’m getting a few services through them) and see about getting some cheap or free counselling in town, since I definitely need it! I need it for a lot of reasons, but I really think it would help me process this pregnancy too… with all the emotions involved.

And on that note I’m off to lay down again… I’ll update more later… I’m still pretty worn out from all the missed sleep and all of the excitement. I know I had more I wanted to say, but it can wait for another post. 🙂

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My bladder infection seems to be slowly getting better, I’m over halfway through the antibiotics now. I have plans to do a post about UTIs, IC and pregnancy… since it’s a muddled mess and involved in why I didn’t catch the UTI sooner (besides the fact I believe it to have partially been a med reaction).

My migraine is gone but I’m still having headaches… of course with all the crap in the air from the wind, and the pressure stuff that happens with these storms it’s not surprise that I’m having headaches.

My rash has cleared up, but I’m still having skin issues in that it did a lot of damage and drying to the skin, not just where the rash ended up, but the whole area around it, so I’ve been peeling some, itching a lot, and thinking I need to use some lotion on the area so that the skin gets moisturized again and the stuff that is dead will come off and the rest will hopefully go back to normal… that whole area feels REALLY odd right now. 😦

My lupus is back out of control…. I had a bit with this pregnancy where it was “in remission” I suppose would be the way to put it… I had a couple days where I was in pain, then I went on bedrest for the pregnancy and although I ached because our couch is uncomfortable and the way I use the mouse doesn’t help my shoulder out, I was not having lupus pain. I had a couple days after bedrest when I was still feeling pretty good, then about a week ago when the UTI really hit and I started really having signs of a reaction to the progesterone suppositories I ended up really ill again…. the dizzy spells are expected with pregnancy, as is the fatigue… the joint pain, the achiness, the migraines and the general feeling like crap… not so much.

The lupus stuff has sent my emotions spiralling even more out of control. I’m still all over the place (and with hormones and what has happened with my other pregnancies is it any wonder?), but adding the lupus pain back in when it looked like I might finally have a break from most of my pain other than some achiness and the normal pregnancy stuff has sent me into a bad place emotionally. With the pain rolling back in all the darkness did too… I had been so hopeful, but the pain, the med reactions and the UTI all happened close together and really is making it difficult to be in a good mood. I’m still excited about the pregnancy, and still hopeful it’ll work since I’m further than I have made it before, but I’m also really down about everything else. I never expected pregnancy to be easy… nothing else relating to my body is, but I still hoped that maybe I could get a bit of a break. And I hadn’t really thought it would happen until I got that time where everything was calm, I now feel as if things have been stolen back away from me, and it has really put a damper on things. Right now I’m just really hoping the ultrasound on Thursday goes well… I don’t think I could handle bad news there on top of everything else going on. I mean, I know I could, I know I’ll make it through, but I’ve had enough going on this pregnancy that I could really use some good news.

I’ve heard these statements a couple of times lately. And I was so confused how that could be, considering I’ve had mind scrambling headaches for all of 2010 (or close enough, the first couple of days I may or may not have had them, I can’t remember now), it’s not been an easy year. After hearing the second time a week or so ago I started wondering what it was that was so different about how I looked, and what had changed that I was looking better. The friend who said these things the most recently also said “You were looking so pale, but you’ve got color in your face again!” and I wasn’t sure why that would be. After wondering for awhile I realized there are three things that likely (physically) contributed to the change. 1) I have not been running as many errands or going out as often. I’ve been out only 5 or 6 times that I can think of in the past month and a half. Maybe a couple times more, but definitely a lot less than I used to be. I used to run errands up to 3 times a week (usually no more than 2, but sometimes another errand would come up) so this is a significant change. I have been out for 3 doctors appointments, and have run errands just a few other times (thankfully in town, the trips out of town to the doctors have really been taking a lot out of me this year), so I haven’t been exhausting myself as much by going out. These headaches have kept me pretty close to home. 2) I’m on better pain meds. This actually started in December, just before Christmas, when I requested stronger pain meds because the low pressure systems coming through our area were causing so many pain issues for me. I have more energy, and (when not fighting an actual migraine or dealing with my cyst) I am able to be more active around the house, though I still stick to lower energy activities so as to not send myself into a flare. 3) Since I’m having all these headaches and am stuck in bed more often than I used to be, I’m getting more sleep, and even when I’m not sleeping, I am at least laying there resting. The cyst has complicated this as I’ve not been able to get very good sleep since yesterday morning, but I am still resting more than I was.
On top of that, although hearing “Get used to the pain and fatigue there is currently no treatment to help you get those more under control” was difficult… it had me down for a couple of days, but then I realized that it meant I had a more realistic view of how these diseases would affect my life, and I’ve been able to deal with that rather than continuing to have extremely high hopes of a sudden and drastic improvement. This is not to say I’ve given up hope or stopped fighting, but it does mean I have been able to deal better emotionally.
Also I realize certain vitamins and other things will help with my energy and pain levels, some of them I’m already on, others I can’t afford right now but plan to go back onto (magnesium I’m looking at you for one) when we have a bit more income again. Please don’t give me suggestions of treatments that “have helped so and so and it’s been miraculous” I’ve heard about a lot of things that way and quite honestly it gets old! On top of that I have a treatment plan laid out with my doctor, and am on medications (and other supplements) that could cause bad reactions when mixed with your suggestions! Both E and I (and my doctor as well) have researched the different treatments and things I take and discussed them, I don’t just willy nilly say “Hey, We’re adding this in now” or try something that someone recommends. And on that note, I turn to my friend Perpetual Spiral who wrote a post on this topic last year. She wrote it incredibly well, and has all the words I want to say on the topic of med/treatment/health suggestions in there.

I took some pictures of myself (face shots) the other night with the use of my webcam, and I have to agree that between my new hair cut and the things I listed above I do look better. For those seeing this linked on various social network sites that have pictures of me, I will be posting the new pictures soon, and you can compare to how I was looking before now. For those seeing this only through my blog, I will try to post pictures later today that show me both in the months leading up to now, and the pictures I took the other night… that post will be password protected (as usual with any identifying photo posts) so sorry for those who don’t have the password and who I don’t know… if you are interested in the password (or if you’ve lost it) let me know and I’ll try to get it off to you. 🙂

I’ve heard these statements a couple of times lately. And I was so confused how that could be, considering I’ve had mind scrambling headaches for all of 2010 (or close enough, the first couple of days I may or may not have had them, I can’t remember now), it’s not been an easy year. After hearing the second time a week or so ago I started wondering what it was that was so different about how I looked, and what had changed that I was looking better. The friend who said these things the most recently also said “You were looking so pale, but you’ve got color in your face again!” and I wasn’t sure why that would be. After wondering for awhile I realized there are three things that likely (physically) contributed to the change. 1) I have not been running as many errands or going out as often. I’ve been out only 5 or 6 times that I can think of in the past month and a half. Maybe a couple times more, but definitely a lot less than I used to be. I used to run errands up to 3 times a week (usually no more than 2, but sometimes another errand would come up) so this is a significant change. I have been out for 3 doctors appointments, and have run errands just a few other times (thankfully in town, the trips out of town to the doctors have really been taking a lot out of me this year), so I haven’t been exhausting myself as much by going out. These headaches have kept me pretty close to home. 2) I’m on better pain meds. This actually started in December, just before Christmas, when I requested stronger pain meds because the low pressure systems coming through our area were causing so many pain issues for me. I have more energy, and (when not fighting an actual migraine or dealing with my cyst) I am able to be more active around the house, though I still stick to lower energy activities so as to not send myself into a flare. 3) Since I’m having all these headaches and am stuck in bed more often than I used to be, I’m getting more sleep, and even when I’m not sleeping, I am at least laying there resting. The cyst has complicated this as I’ve not been able to get very good sleep since yesterday morning, but I am still resting more than I was.
On top of that, although hearing “Get used to the pain and fatigue there is currently no treatment to help you get those more under control” was difficult… it had me down for a couple of days, but then I realized that it meant I had a more realistic view of how these diseases would affect my life, and I’ve been able to deal with that rather than continuing to have extremely high hopes of a sudden and drastic improvement. This is not to say I’ve given up hope or stopped fighting, but it does mean I have been able to deal better emotionally.
Also I realize certain vitamins and other things will help with my energy and pain levels, some of them I’m already on, others I can’t afford right now but plan to go back onto (magnesium I’m looking at you for one) when we have a bit more income again. Please don’t give me suggestions of treatments that “have helped so and so and it’s been miraculous” I’ve heard about a lot of things that way and quite honestly it gets old! On top of that I have a treatment plan laid out with my doctor, and am on medications (and other supplements) that could cause bad reactions when mixed with your suggestions! Both E and I (and my doctor as well) have researched the different treatments and things I take and discussed them, I don’t just willy nilly say “Hey, We’re adding this in now” or try something that someone recommends. And on that note, I turn to my friend Perpetual Spiral who wrote a post on this topic last year. She wrote it incredibly well, and has all the words I want to say on the topic of med/treatment/health suggestions in there.

I took some pictures of myself (face shots) the other night with the use of my webcam, and I have to agree that between my new hair cut and the things I listed above I do look better. For those seeing this linked on various social network sites that have pictures of me, I will be posting the new pictures soon, and you can compare to how I was looking before now. For those seeing this only through my blog, I will try to post pictures later today that show me both in the months leading up to now, and the pictures I took the other night… that post will be password protected (as usual with any identifying photo posts) so sorry for those who don’t have the password and who I don’t know… if you are interested in the password (or if you’ve lost it) let me know and I’ll try to get it off to you. 🙂

Yes – totally emo here.

Between my period, and a lot of things that have happened over the last few days, which have canceled some things I was extremely excited about, and changed other things – I feel like I’m falling apart. I was holding together, in fact I’d say I was holding together incredibly well – then my period hit.

E and I have the same conversation every month around my period – shows just how much my hormones affect my depression (which isn’t nearly as bad around my period). I tell him I feel like everything is falling apart and I’m scared I’m following in my family’s footsteps with bi-polar, but I know it’s not extreme enough for that to actually be what’s going on. I feel like I go from (almost) manic in the week leading up to my period, to suddenly feeling my world is falling apart and wanting nothing more than to hide under the covers for my whole period. His response is always the same (and always correct – if I listen to him I get myself back to normal) “You need to chill”…. I could have this conversation in my sleep, but I always need to hear or see him tell me this before I realize the truth in it.

And once I listen – I feel calmer – maybe not less emo, maybe not a whole lot better, but I feel strong enough to face this day, and the next and the next and so on.

Some days I really hate being an adult – I wish I could just hide under the covers and let the world crash around me like I did when I was a teenager – at the same time though… I wouldn’t go back to those hard days even if I could. And honestly, each month I get a bit stronger, even if that strength seems to disappear when I first start my period, it gets easier each month to just chill – and to remember that all will be right, even if it doesn’t feel that way right in that moment.