Yet again my dreams turned to dead babies today. This has been happening more frequently than I want to think about since Lily died.
It’s destroying me.
Thankfully my dreams of Lily don’t normally involve her death, they are usually her as she was when she was alive, or as she could have been had she not died….
Yet again my dead baby dream was involving a child I was caring for. I had two babies I was caring for this time.
Now, I have no idea what normal newborns necks are like, beyond that they can’t hold up their heads and you have to support them. I’ve never held a newborn besides Lily, who was holding her head up within a short period of her birth, not perfectly, but you didn’t have to support it too much.
I had both babies in the bedroom and I was getting the bassinet (which looked as it does now… full of baby things like a car seat) ready for the newborn, who I was holding. The other baby (old enough to be rolling over) rolled himself off the bed …. I just remember thinking he’s dead as I tried to reach him before he hit the floor, at which point I woke myself up.

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The last couple of times I’ve slept the hormone/miscarriage induced dreams have hit. They haven’t been rough like in the past (though this morning’s did involve pregnancy and babies, it wasn’t a tough one like some of my others have been), but they are definitely hormone and miscarriage related… I’m currently trying to figure out why my blog isn’t showing all of those entries when I use the dream tag, I’ll link to the posts about my dreams when I can. It seems the hormones from the miscarrying are finally catching up with me, as my emotions have been more rough too. I’m definitely starting to feel the physical and emotional effects beyond just the cramping and bleeding. Also, even when my dreams aren’t related to pregnancy or miscarriage or babies, but are obviously hormone caused, they have a certain… feel or texture, I suppose, to them. There is just something different about them, even when the subject matter isn’t related to anything with pregnancy or babies. I don’t know how to explain it. That’s where I am at with the miscarriage though… on the roller coaster of dreams. It’s not my favorite place to be, that’s for sure, but it’s where I am at.

So my nightmares post miscarriage seem to be grief and emotion related rather than hormonal…. since this time the dreams waited until almost two weeks after the miscarriage to show up, and I doubt even the flu could put off my hormones trying to normalize again that far. Especially since I’m having discharge like my body is attempting to ovulate right now. This weekend I’ve finally had a chance to grieve a bit as E and I have both felt better, and everything is done on the other situations in my life that can be until tomorrow. We aren’t completely better, but E did finally manage to return to work, and I’ve been able to stay awake longer again. I think we’re still a ways away from better though. 😦
I’ve been feeling more about it all, and crying more for the last 4 days or so. I also started having nightmares either Thursday morning or Thursday night/Friday morning, not sure which. I’d guess Friday morning since I know I woke up from the dream at around 7am, and because we had some other stressful things occur Thursday morning and afternoon so it would make sense that my dreams became chaotic during all of that.
The only one I remember clearly is the one I woke up from the other morning. I have a few family members who read my blog on a semi-regular to regular basis (how often they read it depends on which family member you are talking about lol) and I dreamed that one of them read my post about the medicine for my Raynaud’s being a possible cause of the miscarriage and emailed me saying “Your mom and I are spending time together right now, and I just read your post about your miscarriage and your medication.. and I’m telling her. And you are a fake and a fraud for calling it a miscarriage… it’s an abortion!”… Please note I would not ever conciously compare this to an abortion. They are not the same thing. My family wouldn’t call them that either. But apparently the medication thing is bugging me more than I thought apparently. And with my family abortion is a huge deal and VERY BAD… (note I say my family, I’m not going into my beliefs here, I don’t feel like turning this more political, and also my beliefs conflict with some of my family and some of my readers, so I’d rather just leave it here…. but abortion is definitely not something I see as an option for myself) so it just turned into this huge nightmare of a dream. 😦
I can’t remember my other dreams as clearly, but that one had a huge effect on how I’ve been emotionally the last few days. I hadn’t realized just how much the med thing was bothering me, and I hate that it is bugging me so much since I had done my research and at the time that I did it they didn’t know for sure (at least not where I looked) if it was pregnancy safe or not. On top of that I hadn’t realized I was pregnant, though I was starting to suspect I should do a test… so there was nothing I would have changed… if I’d known about being pregnant the only thing I can think of is that I would have asked my pharmacist if it was safe, but otherwise…. /shrug. But I didn’t know, and I didn’t realize more research had been done on the safety of the med, so yah… I keep telling myself that, but it’s still one of those things I think of from time to time.
All of that right there, that’s one of the reasons I’m getting help mentally/psychologically, and why we’re taking a break for a bit… These miscarriages are really bugging me… that dream may have only dealt with the most recent one, but I’m hurting from both right now. And hoping that some time and perspective will help before we start trying again.

Further proof it was a miscarriage, my hormones are doing some major changing to go back to whatever “normal” is for me.
I’m having nightmares again, though so far they have been unmemorable. My headache is changing to an even more obviously hormone headache… and nothing seems to be controlling it. My interstitial cystitis flared after one bowl of spaghetti today, when normally I can go through a pot of it (same spaghetti sauce) without it bothering me, or it only bothers me as I get towards the end of the pot. This was a fresh pot of spaghetti and I haven’t been eating anything else that flares me. And my emotions are haywire… and I don’t mean just grieving haywire… I mean all over the place and a mess. 😦

Over the past… week or week and a half I’ve been dealing with nightmares. Yesterday and today they’ve finally “cleared up”, but I went through several days where any time I closed my eyes and dozed I’d be awakened by nightmares within 3 hours or so. The only times I got relief were when I’d been through the cycle enough that my body was exhausted and I’d flat pass out for 12 hours or so, at which point I wouldn’t dream at all. Some of these nightmares have included E leaving me, others have involved him being killed, all of them have also included situations where I was left feeling helpless and scared, with those feelings being on top of the grief I felt at losing E. Nothing was working to alleviate them, I even took the dreaded valium, which I’ve been avoiding due to it being a Cat D drug and us ttcing. That still only let me sleep for a couple hours and I ended up having nightmares. Yesterday morning I finally had the last nightmare I’ve experienced, though I’ve still been having strange dreams, and I seem to have a sleep schedule where I only sleep a maximum of 4 hours at a time now. I’m trying to figure out how to reset this so I get a solid 8 to 10 hours of sleep again. I wouldn’t call the strange dreams undisturbing, or unscary, they are just not scary in the ways my nightmares have been. They have had their own disturbing things, but at least I can sleep through and after them, and not wake up having panic attacks.
I’m not big on being able to interpret dreams, it’s a subject that fascinates me, but I’ve not been very good at it. However, with my nightmares, there was no mistaking the causes of them… especially with all that’s been happening in my life. The loss of E was all about how scared I’ve been that my health issues will end up driving E away. This is ridiculous, especially since although I’ve developed a couple more since we’ve been together, I already had been diagnosed with… 4 or 5 of my health issues by the time we were together. I know logically that if anything ends up driving E and I apart it will not be my health issues. However I’ve recently had my illnesses affecting even more of my life, and with that being the case our relationship has been affected more, especially physically. This has been one of the most devastating things for me in dealing with all of this… and there have been several things that have been hard on me through all of the difficulties I’ve been dealing with healthwise. The feeling helpless and scared, and the situations that caused them, have been the exact same things all these health issues have left me feeling. It’s sad and upsetting that even in my dreams I can’t get away from the feelings I deal with on a moment to moment basis lately. I find it interesting though, that since figuring out the cause of the dreams they have cleared up. Now lets see if I can do the same with all the strange dreams, which I understand, but which are of a more personal nature than I wish to discuss here. I’m just relieved that I finally seem to be nightmare free again!