Earlier, on facebook and glitch (a browser MMO I play) I posted the following status.
Universe, you’ve stolen one of our daughters this year, even more of my health, and my husband’s, and caused a lot of pain to our remaining kids… please stop!

Well I went and read about half a book, played said video game (glitch) then decided to climb in bed for awhile and hopefully get some sleep.

Rather than sleeping I started thinking about my beliefs, and the need for balance and all that.

I started thinking about how my grieving, it’s just that, MY grieving. It does help me, but there comes a point where it gets to be all that I am and all that I do, and that’s not healthy. It’s also not healthy to go to the other extreme and stuff all my grief away.

Lily is gone. I believe that when we die we are just gone, that there is nothing ever. That’s one thing that has made losing Lily both easier and harder. My grief, it doesn’t bring her back, it doesn’t make her more dead, it doesn’t make anything different in the thing that matters most to me (with my grief), my daughter and her life.

Grieving can be very healthy, and I will always miss her, and I suspect I’ll always hurt, but that doesn’t mean I have to take my grieving to selfish levels, or that taking it there is healthy by any means.

So I sit here and try to find the balance, and feel thankful that at least for a few minutes, I’m now feeling peace.

I didn’t expect Halloween to hit me as hard as it has this year….

Yes I was excited to dress Lily up in her first costume and take her trick or treating (health allowing for both of us of course), but….. I didn’t think it was as big a deal as my grief is making it. 😦

This is just ripping my heart out all over again.

Two months since we saw or held her… that picture was taken within a couple days before she died (not sure of the exact date right now)..

We got her death certificate a couple days ago…..

My lupus is now flaring even worse….. the flare started up around the time I got the call that her death certificate was ready, and has steadily gotten worse sense. 😦

We love and miss you Littlest!!! ❤

“If you know someone who has lost a child, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died–you’re not reminding them. They didn’t forget they died. What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.”
-Elizabeth Edwards

This morning the Funeral Home called us. We had ordered our copy of Lily’s death certificate through them, and we were being informed they finally had it, and that we could either pick it up there, or we could have them mail it to us. I told the woman to go ahead and keep it and I’d pick it up. A bit later I realized that if they had the death certificate they must have the cause of death from the coroner. I called her back and asked, and she told me that the answer the coroner came up with is “undetermined” which means that it’s SIDS.
I have so many emotions going on…. relief, grief, frustration, anger, depression and so on.
Over all, now that I’m really having it sink in (even though it’s what we expected) I’m feeling like I’m drowning.

Yet again my dreams turned to dead babies today. This has been happening more frequently than I want to think about since Lily died.
It’s destroying me.
Thankfully my dreams of Lily don’t normally involve her death, they are usually her as she was when she was alive, or as she could have been had she not died….
Yet again my dead baby dream was involving a child I was caring for. I had two babies I was caring for this time.
Now, I have no idea what normal newborns necks are like, beyond that they can’t hold up their heads and you have to support them. I’ve never held a newborn besides Lily, who was holding her head up within a short period of her birth, not perfectly, but you didn’t have to support it too much.
I had both babies in the bedroom and I was getting the bassinet (which looked as it does now… full of baby things like a car seat) ready for the newborn, who I was holding. The other baby (old enough to be rolling over) rolled himself off the bed …. I just remember thinking he’s dead as I tried to reach him before he hit the floor, at which point I woke myself up.

Sometimes we find phrases in books (or movies) that stick with us, and that we think understand, but then something happens in our lives that completely change our perspective of what we thought we understood. Of course this is true of more than just things from books or movies, but right now, and for the last few weeks, I’ve had a phrase from the The Dark Tower series by Stephen King stuck in my head, and making all too much since. “The world has/had moved on” pops in my head every time something comes up to make it obvious not everyone is hurting as deeply as we are, or thinking about as much as some of our family and friends are. For us, we’re still completely lost following Lily’s death, and in huge amounts of pain. However, life goes on (for us and all those around us) and things keep happening, no matter how much I wish the world would all just stop for a bit and everyone would think of Lily and be both so happy she lived, and so sad she died. There have been a lot of things since Lily’s death that have made me think “the world has moved on” one was earlier when I was invited to a baby shower….. I knew this friend was pregnant, and I was and am excited for her and her fiancée and their families, but to have it pushed into my face like that, it really reminded me others are feeling or remembering all of this the way Johny and I are. And there’s nothing wrong with that, all of us had different relationships with Lily, and not many people were able to meet her in person during her short life, or hold her, or anything else. However, it’s still a punch in the gut to be reminded that people are still pregnant or having babies, and excited, and their babies (whether in utero or out now) are still with them. I do go out and do errands and things, but over all (other than online) I’m avoiding people who aren’t right around us (our immediate families and our housemates), especially those who are pregnant or have small children, because it feels like a physical blow every time I see them. Not so much my friends who are childless, but those who were pregnant at the same time as me. And I still adore my friends, and am extremely happy for them and their babies, but it is just a huge reminder that I’m no longer one of them. I mean I am a mommy, several times over – twice to two lovely, living children who are with us during the summer, once to a daughter I gave birth to, and several times over to miscarried little ones. I am (and have been part of) a community everyone knows about (or should) but no one ever wants to be a part of (at least I hope)…. baby loss mamas. I’m on the outside of where I want to be again, desperately wanting people to recognize that I AM a mom, and feeling like everyone just either pities me, or doesn’t count me as one. I’m not saying that is the case, and I have several friends who don’t treat me that way, but it still feels like that’s how everyone feels and thinks of me….
I realize bringing up my grief and the losses before her doesn’t help this, but it helps me remember all I’ve come through, and all Johnny and I have come through together, and helps me remember that although it hurts now, and some part of me always will, I and we can make it through this and that this isn’t the end of the world.
It’s all so complicated, I wish the world would just stop and recognize this pain, but at the same time I wish that people would not feel sorry for us and see us as regular people who have other things happening too, and I just don’t know what to think or feel, or how to move towards the future.
I’m just so confused and hurt, by myself and by others.
And having people say things about moving on, or having things come up that remind me other people around us are having kids, and that they are where we were just a few months ago (albeit without the complications we had) just…is so hard.
I don’t want people to treat me differently than others…. I want people to keep sharing their lives with me and all, but I hope they’ll also understand if there are times I just can’t deal with it all.

6 weeks since Lily was born
4 weeks since she died
3 weeks since we got her ashes

Later today I go to my OB for my post partum visit

Oh.. .and still no call back from the detective regarding her pathology reports (they didn’t have a preliminary finding for us even…. we’re waiting on those results)…. so we still don’t know what happened to take our Lily from us.


Lily should be 5 weeks old now, not ashes in an urn in our room.
It’s been just over 3 weeks since she died.
I still can’t believe it.
At times I’m numb, other times I am such a wreck I have to take two doses of anti anxiety meds to sleep (like last night, between Lily’s death and some other happenings I couldn’t sleep and had Johnny give me a pill while I was laying in bed trying to sleep. I then took another pill a few hours later)….
I don’t know how we are supposed to make it for years to come through all of this when neither of us have made it through the last 3 weeks easily.
We’re *still* waiting on Lily’s autopsy results. If we’ve not heard back by next week I’m going to start bugging the detective more frequently, and asking him to bug the ME, who should be bugging the lab…. we NEED answers, even if they are that there are no answers (aka SIDS). Part of me hopes for a solid answer on what happened, and part of me hopes we get the answer of SIDS because then we know there really isn’t anything we could have done, it’s an inexplicable death.

Two weeks ago my little girl died.

Those words only belong in fiction books. Well, they don’t belong anywhere at all, but if they must be it should be something made up. No parent should ever have to think them, write them, or live them.

She wasn’t even two weeks old! I don’t understand why or how something like this happened. I mean, I do, I know sometimes, for whatever reason, babies just stop breathing, but it just doesn’t make sense. Old people die, not healthy 13 day old children! Not children who have been worked for so hard. Not any kids, but…. why my Lily after everything we went through to get a pregnancy to stick, and to get her as close to full term as we did (almost 37 weeks)!

This isn’t right. It’s not fair, but since nothing is fair I never expected Lily’s life to be either.

I thought that losing her, waking up with her dead next to me, the time spent while we waited for help, and while they worked on her was hard, and it was, but surviving without her is even worse.

She should be here with us, alive.