This is an informative post only, I do not want the pat church answers or reasons why I should still believe or any of that… I know the christian/sunday school answers… they don’t cut it….. I don’t want to be criticized for my beliefs, or told that I’m wrong. Anyone I hear that from on facebook will be removed from my friends and life…. any comments to that extent will not be approved here on my blog, I don’t usually censor comments, and will generally either ignore what’s said and not respond, or will have a conversation.. this is not one of those times!

I was raised in a strict Northern Baptist (christian) home. For the first…. 13 or 14 years of my life I was a christian, but after that I started thinking for myself and wanting to know why I believed what I believed, rather than just believing it because my parents told me to. Things happened when I was almost 16 that left me removed from the ability to question any of it, as I was fully immersed in church, private school, and only christian friends again…. and in an effort to survive that I turned off all questions in my brain and just went into a mode where I attempted to believe it all again.
As I moved out of my parents house I started questioning more again, but most of my reasons for not going to church and not believing were more related to having had to attend church as a kid, and having had to believe in order to make it in the circumstances I was living in. When I was 20 I was diagnosed (finally) with endometriosis… someone finally listened to me instead of just saying “oh it’s normal” and sending me on my way. As I learned about endo and all that was involved in it my beliefs were shaken because I didn’t understand how a loving god could either make this disease, or allow it to happen… I know all the church answers for that, but those weren’t good enough for me.
After living with an abusive husband for awhile, I went back to church because that was allowed, whereas counselling was seen as a bad thing and I was constantly berated when I went, although I wasn’t kept from going, so I just gave up on therapy as it wasn’t helping and my ex wouldn’t get marriage counselling with me, which was needed. I ended up finding solace in what I used to believe, because it was familiar, and because I wanted so desperately to believe I was lovable in the ways the Bible said/says.
After leaving my ex and admitting to all the controlling/manipulative ways my exhusband treated me, and all the sexual, mental and emotional abuse I started to question it all again….. I really wanted to know how a god who was supposed to be so loving could allow those things to happen (I know … free will is the “reason”…) and just couldn’t understand it.
I more or less just left it at “I don’t understand, and I don’t know what my beliefs are” until my lupus became more active and started becoming a daily problem. For those who don’t know… I’ve only had a couple of pain free days in two and a half years… usually due to my lupus, though once in awhile it gives me a break and something else is flaring (or more commonly, I have several pain conditions acting up at once). When that happened, and I got so ill that we were scared I was dying (I was having all kinds of chest pain and heart attack symptoms, but the hospital and tests were coming up with no answers other than that it wasn’t heart attacks) I started thinking more about my beliefs (when I was able to think about anything but how scared I was that something serious was wrong, and how much pain I was in)…. and at that point I started deciding that although I wasn’t an atheist, that was closer to my beliefs than christianity.
I have since figured out that I am agnostic. I don’t know without a doubt that there is no god, however, I am also not convinced that he is anything like the Bible and other religious texts say he is.
I refuse to believe that (and cannot understand how) a loving god or a god like in any part of the Bible could possibly be involved in or allow this to happen, the physical or emotional pain, or anything else related to the miscarriages, the health issues or so many other things, especially those that weren’t necessarily caused by anything I did or didn’t do….. I can see the free will thing in some of what’s gone on or is going on with me, but there are a lot of things that either god is directly involved in making happen, or that he allows to happen… and I can’t believe in someone that would allow all of this. Nor do I want to. I would rather have an uninvolved god or no god at all than for god to have anything to do with all of this, in any way.