Sometimes we find phrases in books (or movies) that stick with us, and that we think understand, but then something happens in our lives that completely change our perspective of what we thought we understood. Of course this is true of more than just things from books or movies, but right now, and for the last few weeks, I’ve had a phrase from the The Dark Tower series by Stephen King stuck in my head, and making all too much since. “The world has/had moved on” pops in my head every time something comes up to make it obvious not everyone is hurting as deeply as we are, or thinking about as much as some of our family and friends are. For us, we’re still completely lost following Lily’s death, and in huge amounts of pain. However, life goes on (for us and all those around us) and things keep happening, no matter how much I wish the world would all just stop for a bit and everyone would think of Lily and be both so happy she lived, and so sad she died. There have been a lot of things since Lily’s death that have made me think “the world has moved on” one was earlier when I was invited to a baby shower….. I knew this friend was pregnant, and I was and am excited for her and her fiancée and their families, but to have it pushed into my face like that, it really reminded me others are feeling or remembering all of this the way Johny and I are. And there’s nothing wrong with that, all of us had different relationships with Lily, and not many people were able to meet her in person during her short life, or hold her, or anything else. However, it’s still a punch in the gut to be reminded that people are still pregnant or having babies, and excited, and their babies (whether in utero or out now) are still with them. I do go out and do errands and things, but over all (other than online) I’m avoiding people who aren’t right around us (our immediate families and our housemates), especially those who are pregnant or have small children, because it feels like a physical blow every time I see them. Not so much my friends who are childless, but those who were pregnant at the same time as me. And I still adore my friends, and am extremely happy for them and their babies, but it is just a huge reminder that I’m no longer one of them. I mean I am a mommy, several times over – twice to two lovely, living children who are with us during the summer, once to a daughter I gave birth to, and several times over to miscarried little ones. I am (and have been part of) a community everyone knows about (or should) but no one ever wants to be a part of (at least I hope)…. baby loss mamas. I’m on the outside of where I want to be again, desperately wanting people to recognize that I AM a mom, and feeling like everyone just either pities me, or doesn’t count me as one. I’m not saying that is the case, and I have several friends who don’t treat me that way, but it still feels like that’s how everyone feels and thinks of me….
I realize bringing up my grief and the losses before her doesn’t help this, but it helps me remember all I’ve come through, and all Johnny and I have come through together, and helps me remember that although it hurts now, and some part of me always will, I and we can make it through this and that this isn’t the end of the world.
It’s all so complicated, I wish the world would just stop and recognize this pain, but at the same time I wish that people would not feel sorry for us and see us as regular people who have other things happening too, and I just don’t know what to think or feel, or how to move towards the future.
I’m just so confused and hurt, by myself and by others.
And having people say things about moving on, or having things come up that remind me other people around us are having kids, and that they are where we were just a few months ago (albeit without the complications we had) just…is so hard.
I don’t want people to treat me differently than others…. I want people to keep sharing their lives with me and all, but I hope they’ll also understand if there are times I just can’t deal with it all.