February 2011


  • 20:37 @GirlInTheFedora Could be a lot better, but not as bad as I was yesterday. #
  • 20:37 @GirlInTheFedora How are you doing? #
  • 20:37 @laurenkelley84 I did. #
  • 21:14 I am reading Nineteen Minutes bit.ly/hcbw0q (via @GetGlue) #NineteenMinutes #
  • 02:26 I am watching Back to the Future bit.ly/1707Wl (via @GetGlue) #BackToTheFuture #
  • 03:38 I’m not sure if the lack of sleep or the too much sleep have messed with me more… hopefully soon I’m back to normal sleep. #
  • 04:02 @sinister416 I’ve managed a couple times.. now I’m achy from so much time in bed, and having trouble staying awake. I hate fibro. 😦 #
  • 07:39 I am watching Rose Red bit.ly/brsHg0 (via @GetGlue) #RoseRed #
  • 07:41 @SunnyCrittenden You’re right, sex is much, much better without kids in the house compared with when they are in the house…. #
  • 19:09 Tweets of the day wp.me/pnlI7-sI #

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  • 19:17 ow. Ow. OW! Not going back to bed any time soon. 😦 #
  • 20:05 I am watching Being Human bit.ly/ah9QMx (via @GetGlue) #BeingHuman #
  • 20:37 @GirlInTheFedora Could be a lot better, but not as bad as I was yesterday. #
  • 20:37 @GirlInTheFedora How are you doing? #
  • 20:37 @laurenkelley84 I did. #
  • 21:14 I am reading Nineteen Minutes bit.ly/hcbw0q (via @GetGlue) #NineteenMinutes #
  • 02:26 I am watching Back to the Future bit.ly/1707Wl (via @GetGlue) #BackToTheFuture #
  • 03:38 I’m not sure if the lack of sleep or the too much sleep have messed with me more… hopefully soon I’m back to normal sleep. #
  • 04:02 @sinister416 I’ve managed a couple times.. now I’m achy from so much time in bed, and having trouble staying awake. I hate fibro. 😦 #
  • 07:39 I am watching Rose Red bit.ly/brsHg0 (via @GetGlue) #RoseRed #
  • 07:41 @SunnyCrittenden You’re right, sex is much, much better without kids in the house compared with when they are in the house…. #

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  • 02:22 I am watching Fringe bit.ly/3wGuii (via @GetGlue) #Fringe #
  • 03:01 So sick of my metal #allergy … stupid #allergies … I replaced the chain of the necklace I was given after (cont) tl.gd/91025l #
  • 03:08 I am watching Onion News Network bit.ly/budzqx (via @GetGlue) #OnionNewsNetwork #
  • 07:33 I am watching Road Trip bit.ly/46DcUQ (via @GetGlue) #RoadTrip #
  • 08:05 @eliiiiiiiiizab I don’t wear earrings for more than an hour or two, or wear any rings. This is the only necklace. I’m mad that clasp broke. #
  • 08:05 @eliiiiiiiiizab The chain that came with it was fine, I never reacted to it, unfortunately the clasp broke in an unfixable way. 😦 #
  • 08:07 @sinister416 I got about 4 hours between 2 and 10pm…. otherwise, no. #
  • 08:12 Mmmm….. Christopher Eccleston! πŸ™‚ bit.ly/9or67M (via @GetGlue) #DoctorWho #
  • 08:24 @sinister416 I’m calling the pharmacy when they open in 40 minutes to talk about an rx, then going to bed. #
  • 09:02 @sinister416 you hope what works for me? #
  • 09:06 @sinister416 oh… I’m not even bothering taking anything, I’m calling the pharm about a med mixup. #
  • 18:40 I’m planning to go back to sleep again, but wanted to let everyone know I finally slept for several hours today! πŸ™‚ #
  • 19:17 ow. Ow. OW! Not going back to bed any time soon. 😦 #
  • 20:05 I am watching Being Human bit.ly/ah9QMx (via @GetGlue) #BeingHuman #
  • 20:37 @GirlInTheFedora Could be a lot better, but not as bad as I was yesterday. #
  • 20:37 @GirlInTheFedora How are you doing? #
  • 20:37 @laurenkelley84 I did. #
  • 21:14 I am reading Nineteen Minutes bit.ly/hcbw0q (via @GetGlue) #NineteenMinutes #

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  • 02:22 I am watching Fringe bit.ly/3wGuii (via @GetGlue) #Fringe #
  • 03:01 So sick of my metal #allergy … stupid #allergies … I replaced the chain of the necklace I was given after (cont) tl.gd/91025l #
  • 03:08 I am watching Onion News Network bit.ly/budzqx (via @GetGlue) #OnionNewsNetwork #
  • 07:33 I am watching Road Trip bit.ly/46DcUQ (via @GetGlue) #RoadTrip #
  • 08:05 @eliiiiiiiiizab I don’t wear earrings for more than an hour or two, or wear any rings. This is the only necklace. I’m mad that clasp broke. #
  • 08:05 @eliiiiiiiiizab The chain that came with it was fine, I never reacted to it, unfortunately the clasp broke in an unfixable way. 😦 #
  • 08:07 @sinister416 I got about 4 hours between 2 and 10pm…. otherwise, no. #
  • 08:12 Mmmm….. Christopher Eccleston! πŸ™‚ bit.ly/9or67M (via @GetGlue) #DoctorWho #
  • 08:24 @sinister416 I’m calling the pharmacy when they open in 40 minutes to talk about an rx, then going to bed. #
  • 09:02 @sinister416 you hope what works for me? #
  • 09:06 @sinister416 oh… I’m not even bothering taking anything, I’m calling the pharm about a med mixup. #
  • 18:40 I’m planning to go back to sleep again, but wanted to let everyone know I finally slept for several hours today! πŸ™‚ #
  • 19:17 ow. Ow. OW! Not going back to bed any time soon. 😦 #
  • 20:05 I am watching Being Human bit.ly/ah9QMx (via @GetGlue) #BeingHuman #
  • 20:37 @GirlInTheFedora Could be a lot better, but not as bad as I was yesterday. #
  • 20:37 @GirlInTheFedora How are you doing? #
  • 20:37 @laurenkelley84 I did. #

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  • 06:29 Morning world and Friday… I still haven’t gone to sleep yet, and it’s now 6:30a in my time zone…. #
  • 06:35 @UCTD_girl I’m on my period (which is miserable with the #endo ) and I’m in one of those states where I just can’t sleep even w help. #
  • 06:36 @UCTD_girl Sometimes I’m great to sleep on my own, sometimes I sleep great with meds, and sometimes I just can’t sleep #
  • 07:29 RT @melbo9: I regret to inform you that due to the rising cost of gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. #
  • 07:41 Indeed!!!!RT @chronicchick: Whoever called winter a wonderland wasn’t a #spoonie #
  • 12:15 Since I’ve been awake 20 hours now (can’t sleep) and had court this morning for Johnny…. I’m not even trying to catch up… #
  • 12:15 If you guys have important news please send it to me in a reply or @ me… that way I actually can see it lol. Love you all! #
  • 12:17 @sinister416 Me too… soooo tired, but so restless 😦 #
  • 12:17 @sinister416 Even meds aren’t working this time around 😦 #
  • 12:19 @argeaux Yum!!! And yes I did. πŸ™‚ Thanks! πŸ˜€ I love the breaking news…. you gave me a huge smile #
  • 12:21 @sinister416 I’ve tried Benadryl, Vistaril, and Trazadone (on different nights) and none of them are working…. 😦 #
  • 12:23 @sinister416 Thanks… I hope so too…. otherwise I don’t know what to do… I NEED sleep at this point, badly. #
  • 16:57 @sinister416 I managed a couple of hours on and off, woke up from a disturbing dream and am wide awake again. #
  • 16:57 @sinister416 I’m going to try meds again when I have to take my other meds (which is why I didn’t do sleepaids in the first place earleir).. #
  • 17:04 One of these days the dead baby dreams better stop. They aren’t as common as when Lily first died, but they are just as disturbing! #
  • 17:44 @sinister416 My daughter was 13 days old when what appears to have been SIDS claimed her. 😦 We still don’t have the autopsy results. #
  • 17:44 @eliiiiiiiiizab I’ve lost babies at 3-5 weeks pregnant, and then Lily was 13 days old when she died. 😦 #
  • 17:52 @eliiiiiiiiizab The endo and my lupus (and some hormone issues, likely related to the endo) cause me to have miscarriages. 😦 #
  • 17:53 @eliiiiiiiiizab It took serious interventions to even get Lily past the first trimester, then past 28 weeks, then past 30 weeks…. #
  • 18:14 @eliiiiiiiiizab I don’t understand it either… it makes no sense whatsoever. 😦 #
  • 18:25 @sonjathegreat YAY! πŸ™‚ #
  • 18:48 @mls1199 Go look at the comments I left on that status. πŸ™‚ It’s got a ton of info… #
  • 18:58 I am listening to Tori Amos bit.ly/anWJXG (via @GetGlue) #ToriAmos #
  • 20:12 Ok I woke up 28 hours ago, and have had very little sleep since, I’m going to go see if my body will actually let me sleep now…. #

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  • 01:29 I am watching Dirty Jobs goo.gl/YDA0z (via @GetGlue) #DirtyJobs #
  • 03:37 Blah…. between the lack of estrogen, and the fact I live with two other women, I’m having a period through my continuous bcp. #endo #
  • 03:38 @coffeesister I am following you on tumblr now, and I’m autoimmunelife (as usual….) #
  • 04:28 I am reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland bit.ly/cyRwRx (via @GetGlue) #AlicesAdventuresInWonderland #
  • 18:31 @coffeesister Thank @Sonjathegreat for me signing up to follow people and use it myself lol!!! (Or blame her, depending on your persepctive) #
  • 21:03 I am reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland bit.ly/cyRwRx (via @GetGlue) #AlicesAdventuresInWonderland #
  • 21:45 We’ve got some sulfite free organic Table wine over here, if you want some. :)RT @SimmiSweet: More wine pleeez #
  • 21:46 @chronicchick It is….. technically Johnny is reading it out loud to me, but still…. they don’t have a listening to option…. >.> #
  • 23:09 @SimmiSweet It’s called Our Daily Red Table Wine, it’s really good. πŸ™‚ #

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  • 11:15 Tweets of the day wp.me/pnlI7-sy #
  • 20:33 About 7 weeks ago my daughter died, and today I’m getting an invite to a baby shower for one of our friends… 1) how is that fair, 2) RLY? #
  • 21:06 Working on a new blog post, I know where it’s starting, but nothing beyond that, we’ll see how it turns out. #
  • 21:55 The World Has Moved On. wp.me/pnlI7-sz #
  • 22:06 Smiling doesn’t mean I’m happy. Laughing doesn’t mean I don’t cry. But, loving you does mean I’ll wait the rest (cont) tl.gd/8vecsp #

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Sometimes we find phrases in books (or movies) that stick with us, and that we think understand, but then something happens in our lives that completely change our perspective of what we thought we understood. Of course this is true of more than just things from books or movies, but right now, and for the last few weeks, I’ve had a phrase from the The Dark Tower series by Stephen King stuck in my head, and making all too much since. “The world has/had moved on” pops in my head every time something comes up to make it obvious not everyone is hurting as deeply as we are, or thinking about as much as some of our family and friends are. For us, we’re still completely lost following Lily’s death, and in huge amounts of pain. However, life goes on (for us and all those around us) and things keep happening, no matter how much I wish the world would all just stop for a bit and everyone would think of Lily and be both so happy she lived, and so sad she died. There have been a lot of things since Lily’s death that have made me think “the world has moved on” one was earlier when I was invited to a baby shower….. I knew this friend was pregnant, and I was and am excited for her and her fiancΓ©e and their families, but to have it pushed into my face like that, it really reminded me others are feeling or remembering all of this the way Johny and I are. And there’s nothing wrong with that, all of us had different relationships with Lily, and not many people were able to meet her in person during her short life, or hold her, or anything else. However, it’s still a punch in the gut to be reminded that people are still pregnant or having babies, and excited, and their babies (whether in utero or out now) are still with them. I do go out and do errands and things, but over all (other than online) I’m avoiding people who aren’t right around us (our immediate families and our housemates), especially those who are pregnant or have small children, because it feels like a physical blow every time I see them. Not so much my friends who are childless, but those who were pregnant at the same time as me. And I still adore my friends, and am extremely happy for them and their babies, but it is just a huge reminder that I’m no longer one of them. I mean I am a mommy, several times over – twice to two lovely, living children who are with us during the summer, once to a daughter I gave birth to, and several times over to miscarried little ones. I am (and have been part of) a community everyone knows about (or should) but no one ever wants to be a part of (at least I hope)…. baby loss mamas. I’m on the outside of where I want to be again, desperately wanting people to recognize that I AM a mom, and feeling like everyone just either pities me, or doesn’t count me as one. I’m not saying that is the case, and I have several friends who don’t treat me that way, but it still feels like that’s how everyone feels and thinks of me….
I realize bringing up my grief and the losses before her doesn’t help this, but it helps me remember all I’ve come through, and all Johnny and I have come through together, and helps me remember that although it hurts now, and some part of me always will, I and we can make it through this and that this isn’t the end of the world.
It’s all so complicated, I wish the world would just stop and recognize this pain, but at the same time I wish that people would not feel sorry for us and see us as regular people who have other things happening too, and I just don’t know what to think or feel, or how to move towards the future.
I’m just so confused and hurt, by myself and by others.
And having people say things about moving on, or having things come up that remind me other people around us are having kids, and that they are where we were just a few months ago (albeit without the complications we had) just…is so hard.
I don’t want people to treat me differently than others…. I want people to keep sharing their lives with me and all, but I hope they’ll also understand if there are times I just can’t deal with it all.

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