I hated that phrase when I was younger…. what did it even mean? It was just an annoying journal prompt to me. “The rest of my life”… well of course it’s the start of the rest of my life, there is nowhere else to go.

Today I understand that phrase more deeply than I ever would have imagined or wanted.

Today is our first full day without Lily. We went to sleep without her last night. We woke up this morning still wrapped up together, me on Johnny’s side of the bed as I can’t stand to be on my side, and it was (of course) without Lily. Even the night of her birth Lily slept with me, we were in the hospital bed together. She’s been in Johnny’s or my arms almost constantly since her birth, other than car rides and other family members holding her… and now… there’s no Lily to hold. I thought my arms felt empty when she was in her bassinet getting a snooze without us (rare, but it happened) or when someone else was holding her, but that emptiness, it wasn’t truly emptiness as I know it now.

Today we get some answers as to what happened. The autopsy is happening today.

The first day of the rest of my life….

My family will be arriving today. My parents and sister. We live in the same duplex as Johnny’s parents, though they have the other side, and in the same side of the duplex as his younger sister. We have lots of family around, thankfully. I think it’s the only way we were even partially sane yesterday, or how we’ll make it through the next few days.

We also have amazing friends, both in “meatspace” and online. I don’t know how to express our gratitude for your love and support… I don’t think we’ll ever fully be able to.

The first day of the rest of my life…
And I don’t know how I’ll make it through this one, or the ones to come.
I know Johnny will be a big part of it, just like I will be for him. We keep turning to each other for comfort, as it should be.
I just don’t know how we’ll make it through, besides the fact it will be together. That is one thing we’ve said since all of this happened, that it will be together.
Somehow, some way, no matter how much we are both hurting, and some part of each of us wants it all to end (though neither of us are suicidal or anything, don’t worry), we will survive, and we will make it through this, and we will see more days. We will face this together.

We have plans, both for the future, and for how we are going to memorialize Lily, and what we want to do for her.

No matter what she is our girl, and she did live, and she will continue to live in the hearts and minds of those who love her.

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