January 2011

Lily should be 5 weeks old now, not ashes in an urn in our room.
It’s been just over 3 weeks since she died.
I still can’t believe it.
At times I’m numb, other times I am such a wreck I have to take two doses of anti anxiety meds to sleep (like last night, between Lily’s death and some other happenings I couldn’t sleep and had Johnny give me a pill while I was laying in bed trying to sleep. I then took another pill a few hours later)….
I don’t know how we are supposed to make it for years to come through all of this when neither of us have made it through the last 3 weeks easily.
We’re *still* waiting on Lily’s autopsy results. If we’ve not heard back by next week I’m going to start bugging the detective more frequently, and asking him to bug the ME, who should be bugging the lab…. we NEED answers, even if they are that there are no answers (aka SIDS). Part of me hopes for a solid answer on what happened, and part of me hopes we get the answer of SIDS because then we know there really isn’t anything we could have done, it’s an inexplicable death.

Two weeks ago my little girl died.

Those words only belong in fiction books. Well, they don’t belong anywhere at all, but if they must be it should be something made up. No parent should ever have to think them, write them, or live them.

She wasn’t even two weeks old! I don’t understand why or how something like this happened. I mean, I do, I know sometimes, for whatever reason, babies just stop breathing, but it just doesn’t make sense. Old people die, not healthy 13 day old children! Not children who have been worked for so hard. Not any kids, but…. why my Lily after everything we went through to get a pregnancy to stick, and to get her as close to full term as we did (almost 37 weeks)!

This isn’t right. It’s not fair, but since nothing is fair I never expected Lily’s life to be either.

I thought that losing her, waking up with her dead next to me, the time spent while we waited for help, and while they worked on her was hard, and it was, but surviving without her is even worse.

She should be here with us, alive.

We’ve been having some bad days between us…. Johnny’s had an especially bad one since we woke up Monday morning (now technically yesterday for us)….. I’ve been having worse days again since Saturday…. Saturday was the day they estimated for Lily being born based on my last period. Also, I went out to the front room with Johnny and we both played video games, then watched movies as Johnny put together some shelves and drawers for our things, since we don’t have as much room to store everything now that we are no longer on our own (and haven’t been for about two months)…. I started rocking in the chair in the front room (something I just automatically do when I’m in a chair I can rock in…. I have as long as I can remember) and it made me think of Lily and our nursing times, and how I’d rock her when she was upset and Johnny was trying to sleep, and of our times falling asleep together in the rocking recliner in our room and it all just started hurting in a way I could cry again, and I have cried every day since that point now… which is nice, as I was unable to cry for awhile, but at the same time, I wish I could stop crying and be happy at least a little again…. even if it wouldn’t last long.
Johnny and I are doing what we always do when one or both of us are hurting, pulling together, holding each other, supporting each other.
I commented to him earlier that at least we know that we can survive together through the hard times, and that we always have each other….. this is the hardest thing we’ve had happen while we’ve been together, but we’ve had a lot happen (deaths in the family, family members being ill and we couldn’t get to them for various reasons, my own health issues, his arthritis getting worse, job loss, lack of income, having to give up the home we had together for over 2 years, having to move out of state at the start of our relationship, and so on)… and we always stick together…. and so far there’s no change there… it’s how we deal with things.
Today was spent cuddling, touching, talking about how thankful we are for each other, talking about (and crying for) Lily, and just spending time together. It was still a hard day (especially for my Johnny), but we always come out of them stronger, even if we are hurting more for awhile because they are hard days, we know we can rely on each other, and how much we love each other.

  • Tomorrow is Lily's EDD. Obviously she didn't want to stay in that long. Thankful for the 13 days together, but missing her so bad. #

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  • Picking up Lily's remains today. #

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So… I’m not ready for tomorrow… though in about 5 minutes it will be today instead of tomorrow (it’s 5 to midnight)…

My Dad went home Sunday morning, as planned.
My Mom and Sister are leaving tomorrow/Tuesday morning.
Lily will be cremated sometime tomorrow/Tuesday morning.

We’ll be getting Lily’s ashes sometime on Wednesday, as I will be out of the state driving my Mom and Sister to the air port (closest good air port, also cheapest prices… out of state, near UNM)….

Lily’s obituary will appear in the first of the local papers tomorrow.

I’m just at a loss for what to say or do or feel here…..

It’s rare that I can cry… the hurt is just too deep. 😦

  • We survived the memorial earlier today. It went well. #

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  • Will I ever stop hearing Johnny scream Lily's name as he got her ready to start CPR? #
  • For anyone familiar with the episode "The Body" from Buffy the Vampire Slayer… that's what we are currently living. It feels just like it. #
  • Please RT so hopefully those waiting can see this – I'll accept followers again soon, right now twitter isn't letting me! #
  • NOT looking forward to tomorrow… we go to the funeral home. Not sure what all is involved beyond paperwork for Lily's cremation. #
  • Also, could be two more weeks before we find out what happened due to some of the testing that's being run. #
  • @LeLeIsMe Thank you, the info on what to expect helped a lot. #

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I hated that phrase when I was younger…. what did it even mean? It was just an annoying journal prompt to me. “The rest of my life”… well of course it’s the start of the rest of my life, there is nowhere else to go.

Today I understand that phrase more deeply than I ever would have imagined or wanted.

Today is our first full day without Lily. We went to sleep without her last night. We woke up this morning still wrapped up together, me on Johnny’s side of the bed as I can’t stand to be on my side, and it was (of course) without Lily. Even the night of her birth Lily slept with me, we were in the hospital bed together. She’s been in Johnny’s or my arms almost constantly since her birth, other than car rides and other family members holding her… and now… there’s no Lily to hold. I thought my arms felt empty when she was in her bassinet getting a snooze without us (rare, but it happened) or when someone else was holding her, but that emptiness, it wasn’t truly emptiness as I know it now.

Today we get some answers as to what happened. The autopsy is happening today.

The first day of the rest of my life….

My family will be arriving today. My parents and sister. We live in the same duplex as Johnny’s parents, though they have the other side, and in the same side of the duplex as his younger sister. We have lots of family around, thankfully. I think it’s the only way we were even partially sane yesterday, or how we’ll make it through the next few days.

We also have amazing friends, both in “meatspace” and online. I don’t know how to express our gratitude for your love and support… I don’t think we’ll ever fully be able to.

The first day of the rest of my life…
And I don’t know how I’ll make it through this one, or the ones to come.
I know Johnny will be a big part of it, just like I will be for him. We keep turning to each other for comfort, as it should be.
I just don’t know how we’ll make it through, besides the fact it will be together. That is one thing we’ve said since all of this happened, that it will be together.
Somehow, some way, no matter how much we are both hurting, and some part of each of us wants it all to end (though neither of us are suicidal or anything, don’t worry), we will survive, and we will make it through this, and we will see more days. We will face this together.

We have plans, both for the future, and for how we are going to memorialize Lily, and what we want to do for her.

No matter what she is our girl, and she did live, and she will continue to live in the hearts and minds of those who love her.

I woke up this morning and Lily was laying against me where she’d been nursing, and she was no longer breathing.
Johnny started CPR as soon as he woke up and saw what was going on, but it was already too late.
We aren’t sure yet when it happened, or what happened, waiting on autopsy results.
We donated her heart (heart valves – all that she was old enough to donate).
It looks like SIDS or that she spit up and ended up breathing in some of the spit up and choking.

Lilith Faith Powell
Rest in peace, we love and miss you.
You were healthy and happy while you were with us.
We held you in our arms for 13 days, we will hold you in our hearts forever.
12/23/10 – 1/5/11

EDIT: Since I’m sharing this post around, and we now have an answer as to what happened. …. It was SIDS that claimed her. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. We’re now at 14 months, give or take a few days, since she died… and I still wake up missing her and go to sleep missing her, but the pain is no longer as sharp all the time.

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