I started therapy this morning. My social worker/counselor/therapist and I agreed that it would be better to go without meds for now if possible, we’re doing other types of therapy. Apparently all the ways I work on dealing with everything is good, though she has added some other things for me to do, and is helping remind me to keep doing the ones I am. It’s nice to have a support person. Not that Johnny isn’t supportive, but he’s not a mental health person, and it’s not his responsibility to monitor my mental health or make sure I’m in a good mood. It isn’t my new therapist’s job either, but she is better equipped to assist me in making sure I’m doing so and taking care of myself mentally and emotionally.
We talked about my mental health history, and about my family history with mental illness. We discussed past treatments, what worked and what didn’t (though we only talked about the most recent meds I’ve done, we didn’t get into Wellbutrin, which sent me into rages and severe depression… my cutting began during that time too, though it continued on each time my depression manifested even after I was off of it. I would call cutting like a drug or addiction for me though, it’s just that at the time of being on that med my depression got worse instead.
Once we had all that information we discussed more in depth the way I deal with my depression and anxiety. Lots of baths or reading, finding things to relax me, deep breathing, journaling, blogging, talking to friends or family members, guided imagery. She told me she wants me to do deep breathing a few times a day at least, and that she wants me to keep a thought record – where I keep track of my moods, what put me into the moods, the thoughts going through my head, etc.
I go back in a week and a half to do some follow up. We’ll continue doing this, and I meet the psychiatrist in October. Even if I don’t need meds at that point it would be nice to meet her and get to know her. I’ll likely be on meds after the birth either way, so this way she’ll know me.
There’s been a lot going on, and it was exhausting just starting to go over it so she could get an idea about me and my life… but I know it’s all worth it. The miscarriages, the pregnancy, the health issues, family stuff, Johnny being out of work due to his hip and so on… all of it has just overwhelmed me. I had been doing ok (though not great admittedly) dealing on my own, but the pregnancy (with all the health issues, and things not going how I hoped), as well as everything else this summer, and hormones (linked with the pregnancy, but it’s not jsut the pregnancy, my depression definitely acts up more with my period and such)…. it’s all too much. I’d rather get help now while it’s overwhelming, but not out of control, than wait and have something bad happen…. things just keep getting more out of control for me, so I’m not willing to let that pattern keep going, obviously what I’ve been doing isn’t enough and I need help. I’ve been getting more and more irritable, more and more sad, crying more, my sleep is more interrupted, etc… and yet again, I’m eating like crazy and not managing to gain weight. I hadn’t really remembered that that was an issue when I was in hs (I would sneak food and eat as much as I could) until I was talking this morning about my depression symptoms this time around. Now it dawns on me just how much that was an issue at that point too. I think my lupus plays a big role now too, but I’d say my depression is definitely affecting my weight as well.

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