August 2010


So…. Johnny and I had an appointment to go to this afternoon, and I (stupidly, but I know my freedom to drive is going to be restricted before too much longer even without bedrest, so I am driving as much as I can) drove us there. I was fine on the way there, I was fine in the waiting room beforehand, I was fine during the appointment, I started having some mild discomfort after while we were waiting to talk to the financial lady, so I left my contact into and a message for her and we got out of there. About… 1/3 or 1/2 of the way home I started having more and more pain. No discharge thankfully, but definite pains that were getting stronger… though they were still having all sorts of different timing in between, completely irregular in that way. So it was a mix of actual preterm labor signs and false labor signs. I ended up with 3 fingers on each hand numb from how I was clenching my hands, and I’m sure I made Johnny’s hand uncomfortable at the very least, as I was holding onto it with one hand. The good thing is once I got back home and got onto the couch (I’ve only gotten up to pee since, this is a few hours ago now) the bad cramps cleared up. Still having pain, but nothing major like I had been having, just some discomfort and really minor cramping.
Johnny and I were talking about this a bit ago and both agree it’s pretty likely I’m goign to be officially put on some type of bedrest pretty soon… which is not something I’m looking forward to yet, but I’m also not getting too upset about it at this point… well… trying not to anyway… there are definitely emotions there, but I’m trying to keep them in check for now.

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Having false labor now at 20 weeks. So far no true labor signs, and am now spending my time on the couch (with lots of pillows and the laptop). Won’t be around much on twitter (and I’d just started getting more into it again too!), though I’ll be on other places when I’ve got the laptop on (facebook, blogfrog, not sure what else)… I just don’t like web based twitter, and so far haven’t found something I like that can be used on Linux to be able to run twitter outside the browser. I’ll also be checking my emails throughout the day, so you can reach me that way…. I’d love to keep in touch with people, and keep up with everyone. Also… definitely wanting company that much more since I’ll be in bed or on the couch pretty much constantly, which gets boring… though it’s worth it to keep Littlest “cooking” longer, it’s just boring lol. I’ll also be doing a lot of reading, thankfully I went to the library yesterday before all the cramping and other pains started.

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I started therapy this morning. My social worker/counselor/therapist and I agreed that it would be better to go without meds for now if possible, we’re doing other types of therapy. Apparently all the ways I work on dealing with everything is good, though she has added some other things for me to do, and is helping remind me to keep doing the ones I am. It’s nice to have a support person. Not that Johnny isn’t supportive, but he’s not a mental health person, and it’s not his responsibility to monitor my mental health or make sure I’m in a good mood. It isn’t my new therapist’s job either, but she is better equipped to assist me in making sure I’m doing so and taking care of myself mentally and emotionally.
We talked about my mental health history, and about my family history with mental illness. We discussed past treatments, what worked and what didn’t (though we only talked about the most recent meds I’ve done, we didn’t get into Wellbutrin, which sent me into rages and severe depression… my cutting began during that time too, though it continued on each time my depression manifested even after I was off of it. I would call cutting like a drug or addiction for me though, it’s just that at the time of being on that med my depression got worse instead.
Once we had all that information we discussed more in depth the way I deal with my depression and anxiety. Lots of baths or reading, finding things to relax me, deep breathing, journaling, blogging, talking to friends or family members, guided imagery. She told me she wants me to do deep breathing a few times a day at least, and that she wants me to keep a thought record – where I keep track of my moods, what put me into the moods, the thoughts going through my head, etc.
I go back in a week and a half to do some follow up. We’ll continue doing this, and I meet the psychiatrist in October. Even if I don’t need meds at that point it would be nice to meet her and get to know her. I’ll likely be on meds after the birth either way, so this way she’ll know me.
There’s been a lot going on, and it was exhausting just starting to go over it so she could get an idea about me and my life… but I know it’s all worth it. The miscarriages, the pregnancy, the health issues, family stuff, Johnny being out of work due to his hip and so on… all of it has just overwhelmed me. I had been doing ok (though not great admittedly) dealing on my own, but the pregnancy (with all the health issues, and things not going how I hoped), as well as everything else this summer, and hormones (linked with the pregnancy, but it’s not jsut the pregnancy, my depression definitely acts up more with my period and such)…. it’s all too much. I’d rather get help now while it’s overwhelming, but not out of control, than wait and have something bad happen…. things just keep getting more out of control for me, so I’m not willing to let that pattern keep going, obviously what I’ve been doing isn’t enough and I need help. I’ve been getting more and more irritable, more and more sad, crying more, my sleep is more interrupted, etc… and yet again, I’m eating like crazy and not managing to gain weight. I hadn’t really remembered that that was an issue when I was in hs (I would sneak food and eat as much as I could) until I was talking this morning about my depression symptoms this time around. Now it dawns on me just how much that was an issue at that point too. I think my lupus plays a big role now too, but I’d say my depression is definitely affecting my weight as well.

Well, that’s not all I can’t wait for, but there will be another post.

I’ve almost fallen twice, within about 12 hours, since last night. Last night I was sitting on the toilet and my back spasmed and I am glad there was a wall next to me that I ended up leaning on when I tipped over because otherwise I’d have hit the floor or whatever was there instead I’m sure. The second time I was walking out of our room through the bathroom (the bedroom door in the hallway lets in too much light when either of us are trying to sleep, so we always go through the other door) and all of a sudden my legs and back gave out, luckily I’ve learned to stick close to things I can catch myself on (and our bathroom is small), so I grabbed the counter and managed to hold myself up with it until my legs and back decided to cooperate again.

We aren’t entirely sure what is causing this to happen. We suspect it’s a combination of my scoliosis, me being pregnant and things moving due to that fact, my endo pain (this happens, though not as often or severely, when I’m having bad periods as an example), and maybe other factors, but definitely those. We hope physical therapy will help at least some. Also I heard recently (and don’t quote me on this, I haven’t had a chance to look it up to know if it’s true or not) that scoliosis runs right alongside osteoarthritis in the back… so it’s entirely possible that I’ve got some arthritis going there too…

I can’t reiterate enough that I am absolutely looking forward to this physical therapy, any improvement at all would be better than what is going on right now.

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I’ve said that about a few things lately, but the big one happened a few hours ago, this afternoon, when neither Johnny or I were feeling well. He leaned his head on my chest and belly while I was standing in front of him leaning towards him. After leaning for a ccouple of minutes he started poking my belly in the area Littlest usually hangs out in and said “Hey, it’s your Daddy, wake up!” I felt some movement, but Johnny couldn’t feel it because it was flutters toward my back, so I think Littlest had his back towards my belly and was moving in the opposite direction of where he could be felt by anyone but me. It was still one of those moments I wish I could have frozen in time.

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