This is such a weird place to be. To quote a blog post by Busted Kate “It was so easy for me to laugh at my infertility… yes, it was a lot of pain for so many years. But I felt comfortable there, I knew what to expect from it. I could have a sense of humor about it.
Now I’m in uncharted territory. And I feel like I’m a stranger in a strange land. I’m getting to the end of the first trimester–a landmark that I had almost convinced myself would never come. So why can’t I settle in? Why do I still feel like an Infertile in maternity clothing? ” … it’s an odd.. I almost want to say limbo, but I’m not quite sure that’s the right word. I’m pregnant right now, but I keep waiting for someone to tell me it was just a joke and I’m not pregnant anymore, I was just dreaming or something. I’m in such a strange place here… further than I’ve ever made it before… completely uncharted territory here. And I keep waiting for the same old thing (miscarriage) to happen again. Also, as much as I hate to say it, I was comfortable there, at least in that I knew what to expect. It wasn’t a comfortable place, most days I was crying over it rather than finding humor (though there was humor some days as well), but it was someplace where I knew what to expect. There is a part of me that is terrified and waiting for a miscarriage, and there is a part of me that wants to shoot to the world that I’m pregnant and everything is going to be alright this time. I go back and forth on which side is winning day to day. Today is a day where I’m split between the two pretty evenly… I’m happy and excited, but I’m also scared to get too excited. I will be 10 weeks on Monday… 5 weeks further than I’ve ever been before!!!! 😀 I am still in shock over having made it this far!
I just lost my train of thought so I’ll post more later, maybe on this topic, maybe a post to catch everyone up on how my trip went! 🙂 (And the ER visit, don’t worry everything is still fine… just needed to be checked!)