I’m feeling a bit crazy today. One of my cousins (3rd cousin?) and his wife had a baby this afternoon. I’ve been avoiding the topic, especially since we aren’t close so I was able to just hide them on facebook. However I have several common relatives on facebook and I’m seeing a lot of congratulations and so on about it.
I’m happy for them, please don’t misunderstand me! But the timing really could have been better. If I hadn’t miscarried last June, we’d have a 2 – 3 week old now, if he or she decided to show up around the time for the EDD (I counted out the weeks to figure it out). So the timing … it’s making it a bit difficult. Over all I’m doing pretty well with the miscarriages, and with the fact I would have been due a couple weeks ago. I feel for Miracle Max in The Princess Bride (though I realize this wasn’t done at all on purpose, it just happened, and it wasn’t meant to hurt me or anything… so don’t chew me out for using this quote, it’s just how my heart currently feels, even as my brain knows how illogical it is) “While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?” As I said, I realize that’s not the situation here… but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like it.
I’m feeling crazy for the extremes in my emotions (even as I know there are a lot of us out there who feel this way in situations like this)… I feel happy for them, completely jealous, and so upset that I don’t get to hold my baby, and that he or she is just gone, and has been for several months now. And it’s odd that I feel so upset and so calm at the same time about my child being gone. I’m not saying I don’t still hurt over it, I’m sure I will for a long time, but… I feel at peace. Yet in this situation (and really it could have been anyone who had a baby at the time I was due, not specifically my cousin) I’m so angry at the same time… just struck by how unfair it is. If that makes sense?
So yah, it’s been a weird day for the emotions!