I have been asked a few times over the last … while (I’m not sure how long it’s been now since my emotions went so incredibly south.. .a month? more?) whether I’m suicidal or not. The answer is a firm no, and has been all along. My emotions have taken me to some very dark places lately, but the lessons I’ve learned over the past two and a half years, and the promises I’ve made, have stuck with me and although I’ve let myself feel the dark, I haven’t let myself wander down that road, and I hope to never do so again.
Two and a half years ago (just about exactly, I think we’re a couple days past that now) I left my ex husband after a few months of suicidal thoughts (in the extreme), some medical treatments that made the depression even worse, a few years of different types of abuse that I’m not going to rehash again, and a lot of self injury in the month or two leading up to me leaving. I’ve learned a lot in the time since then, including finding balance for my emotions (this doesn’t mean that I’m always on an even or pleasant plane, just that I always find some type of good to keep me going no matter how dark everything feels) and knowing that there are some people in my life who will be there no matter what happens. I’ve also made promises, both to myself and to some people who matter greatly, not to harm myself again and to talk to someone if I start getting too dark, to seek help when I need it, etc. This doesn’t mean that I never hurt or get depressed, as this last emotional time showed, but it does mean that I am conscious of my feelings, talk about them, and keep focusing on more than just how depressed/angry/stressed or whatever else I feel at the time.
My self injury has … I want to say a decade of a hold in my life. Something like that. It’s not been a solid decade of self injury, but it’s been a decade since I first started into that, and it’s been a decade of struggle. The longest I’ve managed to go in that time without injuring myself was three(ish?) years, and that was before my last time harming myself. I’ve had people ask why I cut myself…. honestly my reason is different from the one I’ve heard people talk about publicly. Most people who I’ve talked to about self injury do it to feel something because they are numb inside… for me it’s always been because there is so much emotion in me that I can’t let it all out, and I hurt so bad emotionally that it all needs to come out somehow, and cutting is a release for a lot of reasons. It is also a drug and an addiction for me. I call myself sober for 2 1/2 years with all of this, because the feelings I get when cutting are very much a high for me. I don’t know how else to describe it.
I also have a history with depression (I think by now that’s obvious to anyone in my personal life), suicidal thoughts, and a suicide attempt. I have not had a suicidal thought in the last 2 1/2 years, and I haven’t attempted suicide in… 8 1/2 years or so… but that history is still there, so I take it very seriously when my emotions start getting too bad, and if I ever were to get suicidal again I’d be off to ER to get some help… not just calling my counselor… I know how serious all of this can be in my life.
I cannot thank those who have stood by me through the past few months (and longer) enough for the support and understanding. I also felt that getting all of this out in the open was the best way to reassure everyone that I do take my depression seriously, and that I will not allow myself to harm again… it’s been a road getting to that point, but I am here, and I continue walking down it knowing that I have support, and that I have learned from all of it.