This is a change Johnny and I agreed on, but it’s still one I’m not wanting to do, though I do need to. I started my period this afternoon, which means it is going to be time to start my birth control pills soon. The doctor who is prescribing them for me wants me to wait until my period ends for some reason before I start them. I will probably start them tomorrow after getting the negative pregnancy test he wants me to have rather than waiting… but regardless, it’s time for me to start them. I’m dreading this. I’m doing it for health reasons, including my endo and needing to go back on a med for my Raynaud’s which is unsafe for pregnancy and may have caused the last miscarriage. Also, we need a break from miscarriages, it’s been a rough six months. So it’s time to start birth control pills. I’m not looking forward to the side effects, or the emotional stuff. Of course, I’m also not looking forward to the emotional side effects of stopping trying and having it not entirely by either of our choices. My health and the miscarriages have forced us to this point… and my emotions are a mess. I know this is for the best though, so we’re moving forward with this plan for at least a few months. Hopefully between having some extra from the last time I was on birth control (just over a year ago) and picking it up about a week before being able to start it I’ll have enough to use it continuously until spring, when we decide to go off of it. We’ve decided to use the birth control until it is warm enough for me to go back off of the medication for my Raynaud’s again. We want to give it a try all winter and see if it’s worth using again later or not. So this is where our journey is at right now, my journey with the lupus (and E’s, though I’m the one physically dealing with it) and our journey trying to have a child together…. these journeys have taken us all kinds of places I don’t think either of us expected…. and it’s been pretty painful at times, not just physically, but also emotionally.

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