I’ve had friends sharing pictures of their kids throughout the day with it being Hallowe’en. I also have friends with babies or toddlers. I’ve been doing okay with all of this. Then the trick or treaters hit. We didn’t have many, but there were some. One of the trick or treaters was a neighbor who has a daughter who is either one or two years old. And it all hit me. I did the math, I’ve had two miscarriages in 3 1/2 months, between the day before Father’s Day and the middle of October (the 13th or so I believe). I had been avoiding counting how close together they were, but then I got curious as to how far along I’d have been if I hadn’t miscarried. And I realized I’d have been around 5 months if the first pregnancy had stuck and around 2 months if the second had. I’ve just been going with the general “two miscarriages in six months” statement… but then I realized that I’d have only been around 5 months, and became curious how much closer together they were. So tonight I’m letting myself feel and mourn. I’ve been doing so all along, but the … 4 days or so it had become easier and I was doing…. better I suppose is the right word. I was more of myself again. Now I’m sitting here sad and thinking and hurting. And I’m letting myself, as long as I don’t sink into a pattern of darkness and depression, because I need to let myself grieve. I didn’t do that the first time around (although at the time I didn’t realize just how much I was burying) and ended up being a mess a month or month and a half later. I refuse to do that again! I will be talking to a counselor on Monday (and doing other things as well) and that will help a bunch. But for tonight I’m feeling and grieving and internalizing some. And honestly, it’s what I need to do right now.

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