E and I are discussing whether or not to keep trying right now.

I’m on a new medication (which may have cause our latest miscarriage, though there are a lot of possible reasons) which is helping with my Raynaud’s. I can actually feel my toes and they’ve been red or pink every time I’ve taken off my socks for about a week now!! I can’t remember the last time my toes were red unless I’d been running hot water over them!

However, this new medication is a Class C drug for pregnancy (and breastfeeding?)… and the information about it specifically says it can cause miscarriages and newborn death. 😦 So we’re discussing taking a break from trying and having me go on birth control for the winter to give my hands and feet a break. The problem is that the last time it took us 7 months (give or take a week or two) to get pregnant after I went off the birth control. I know it was out of my system sooner than that because of how I was feeling, but I don’t want to risk another 7 months before pregnancy, as I can only be off the blood pressure med 5 months a year due to our weather here…. so I may just go back off the blood pressure medication once I finish this month of trying it out, and wait to go on it again until after I’m done with pregnancy and breast feeding. Or pregnancy at the very least, no guarantees on whether I’ll be able to breastfeed or not, we shall see if (when?) we get there. I’m also not sure I want to wait much longer to get pregnant and have a baby considering ages and health. We’re not old by any means, but I’d like E to be able to enjoy having a baby again, and Gamer is 9 years old… I won’t say how old E is, but… well… it is a consideration. Also we’d like to have a baby before our kids are teenagers…. and Gamer is getting there…. Duckling is 4 years younger than him, but we’d really like to have another kid before either of them are teens. (For those who are wondering, I’m not giving exact amounts of years here, but I’m around 16 years older than Gamer, and 20 years older than Duckling, and for those who are just joining us, they are my (step)kids.)

I do want to take at least a short break no matter what, I need it, the last few months and the two miscarriages have been very rough on me. And I need some time to heal. Also I’d like to get some of my counseling done before getting pregnant again, just a personal preference since everything is getting so rough on me mentally right now. I firmly believe I need to take care of me before I can take care of a baby at this point… I’m not in a state where I’d want to try to deal with another pregnancy or a baby. Plus I think a break from having to focus on trying to get pregnant would be a good thing. I think after a year it’s a good idea, and I think that it will give us a chance to look at how things have gone and decide if we want to keep trying or not, it’s been a rough year on both of us, though E has handled it better (differently?) than I have… and it’s definitely affected me more… I wouldn’t say that if I hadn’t talked to him about it on different occasions and asked how he’s doing and his opinion on things, but from how our conversations have gone it’s definitely a true statement. We’re also in a different place than we were a year ago, I don’t necessarily mean physically, but financially and healthwise things have definitely taken some changes that need to be considered. Things have also changed in a lot of other aspects in our lives, and I think all of those things are important to look at before we decide what to do.

I’d be surprised if we decide to stop trying… but I think we will definitely decide to take a break for a couple months. That seems to be the way our talks were leaning. Another thing to talk about is how many more miscarriages are we willing to go through (if they continue to happen) since they have a definite toll on me physically and emotionally, and have an emotional toll on E as well. I told him while we were in the (physical) process of going through the last one that I don’t think I can handle too many more. I don’t think either of us want to go through anymore even without the rough time that I go through, and even without the emotional impact on both of us.

One thing I know for certain, as we’d talked about this even before we were ready to start trying, is that we won’t do any type of fertility treatments. My body has been through enough hormones, I’d rather not going on birth control again if we had many other options, but we really don’t. 😦 And neither of us want me on birth control long term again for sure. We’ve looked at the options, and weighed pros and cons of them, and have decided that we just can’t see doing the physical strain on my body of month after month of different meds and hormones, and also the financial cost, especially without a guarantee we’d have any more success than we have been at this point.. it’s just not someplace we are willing to go.

If we don’t manage to have another child, we already have two great children, and although they aren’t with us all the time, we are in their lives year round, and we do have an awesome cat. We’d both like another child, and Gamer and Duckling would love a little brother or sister, but we shall see what happens, and leave it at that.