So I realized what had happened and all of that, but the last couple of days have sort of floated past and I’ve been aware what’s been going on, but it hadn’t really hit me.
Then I had to make the doctor’s appt today. Suddenly it became a lot more real that this is happening to me. I started bleeding an hour or two before the tissue appeared, and bled throughout the night that night, but I’ve barely spotted since, so I kept hoping maybe I was wrong. I knew I wasn’t, but I was still hoping.
I’ve been having a couple of emotions, mainly anger and guilt. Anger at my body for putting me through this again. Guilt for wondering if there’s anything I could have done differently. And I know that even if I did something, it wasn’t done on purpose and I can’t change it, but it’s still rough. I started a new bp med for my Raynaud’s last Wednesday, the spotting showed up Friday or Saturday, so it could be a coincidence but I still feel so awful. The medication hasn’t had enough studies done to know if it affects pregnancy or how. If I’d known I was pregnant I wouldn’t have started on the med, but I wasn’t having consistent pregnancy symptoms, and I have been having so many health issues that could have caused me not to have a period, so between those and my weight I was convinced I wasn’t pregnant. And with all the health issues, it’s possible that there were issues anyway, and yah…. I’ll drive myself crazy with all of this, so I’m trying to stop thinking about that side of things.
I’m more sad now and it just seems a lot more real. 😦 I’m starting to actually get sad now, and not feel so separated from all of it. I had felt like I was watching someone else go through all of this! At the same time I’m relieved to be feeling more about the miscarriage itself, and not about me and my body. I think part of my lack of emotions is due to the fact I didn’t know I was pregnant. I had started to suspect, and planned to test tomorrow, but I didn’t know for sure… so I had to adjust to being pregnant and miscarrying at the same time, with both of my miscarriages. And I think that between the two (pregnant and miscarrying) it gave me the time to accept it before the emotions could hit… I also think it sent me into a state of shock because I had to not only realize I was miscarrying, but that I had been pregnant. It wasn’t like I’d known and had everything (hopes, dreams, etc) crushed. So while I’m not saying it was easier or harder than it would have been had I know, it’s different, and I had a chance to absorb some of it before it all started crashing down around me. But it is definitely starting to all crash down around me.

On top of it all, I’ve had a nasty headache the last few days, after having had a headache through most of the pregnancy, though it wasn’t this bad. I’ll just be glad to get to the doctor tomorrow. I’m also hoping for some stronger pain pills because when the pain kicks up tramadol isn’t cutting it at all!! 😦 😦 : ( I’m not sure that my doctor will give me anything though, since he wasn’t even willing to give me tramadol, I get that through my rheumy. We’ll see what happens.

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