Miscarriage/pregnancy/embryo/fetus mentioned. Also some description of what it looked like – the paragraph right under this has that, the rest of the post is clear of descriptions, and just discusses emotions and medical stuff… no other mention of the baby itself.

Although I don’t have a positive pregnancy test, I’m as sure as I can be that it was/is a miscarriage. For one thing I’ve got the headache from hell. While headaches aren’t unusual for me, headaches caused by hormones have a different feel to them. For another, I examined what came out of me yesterday. When I first saw it my heart dropped. My next thought was “Oh no! If I don’t stop it now it’s going to wash down the shower drain!!” So I grabbed it and hopped out of the shower and put it on a lid that was sitting on the counter. After my shower, and after I calmed down, the geeky/curious side of me stepped in and I just had to look at it more… it was fascinating. It was a ball of tissue and blood, but it also had a yellow sack attached to it, not sure exactly what that was, but I’m guessing it was something that was there to help support the pregnancy? If anyone is curious, I got pictures of it. Yes… I’m just that fascinated.

Later yesterday evening I went into anger mode. I started ranting about my body, and how it’s now failed me twice after letting me get pregnant! I’m still really angry with my body, and that this happened, and a million other things related to this.

Right now I’m heading into feeling distant… like I’m watching it all happen but not really feeling it. And I really think that’s a good place to be. When the emotions come I’m going to let myself feel them, but for now that distance is letting me realize what happened before the emotions crash down. I’m also being able to get phone calls to doctors and other things taken care of without being a huge emotional mess. I believe a big part of the reason for this distance is that I hadn’t known I was pregnant. I mean a couple days before I started miscarrying a true suspicion started creeping in, but I hadn’t had time or money to get a test and find out for sure yet, and I was going to wait for pay day, which is in a couple of days. So I hadn’t been excited and hoping and dreaming, just to have it all crash around me. I’m sure this post would be a lot different if I had. So while I hope this distance doesn’t last (and I’m sure it won’t) and that I know I need to feel the emotions when they come, I’m relieved to have this chance to just observe, and have the calm before the storm to do what needs to be done.

Now I just wait and watch and make sure everything else comes out of me properly, since my bleeding has slowed back down, and I’m sure there is more lining and blood to come out than what managed to in the 12 hours or so around the miscarriage….
I also wait on phone calls back from doctors to make sure they don’t want to do anymore testing yet (not that any can be done right now… all my veins are still a mess from last week, so there’s no way blood is coming out of me anywhere that can be used for testing)….
I suspect a standing order will be issued for certain blood work by my rheumatologist, especially as a close relative is currently being checked for clotting disorders and another close relative has been dealing with clots this year. I’ve read that APS (Antiphospholipid Syndrome) can happen in a way that it only shows up when a woman is pregnant. Not sure how common that is, but since it’s being closely looked at for my relatives, and since I have lupus (which it’s linked to) I’m going to ask her to make it so if I miscarry again I can go get checked for all the autoimmune issues and all the antibodies connected to that to see if they show up higher than they did when I was tested in March or April (when I wasn’t pregnant, and hadn’t been yet)….

I think that’s all the news I have right now, but yes…. I’m very certain it was a miscarriage. šŸ˜¦