October 2009


I’ve had friends sharing pictures of their kids throughout the day with it being Hallowe’en. I also have friends with babies or toddlers. I’ve been doing okay with all of this. Then the trick or treaters hit. We didn’t have many, but there were some. One of the trick or treaters was a neighbor who has a daughter who is either one or two years old. And it all hit me. I did the math, I’ve had two miscarriages in 3 1/2 months, between the day before Father’s Day and the middle of October (the 13th or so I believe). I had been avoiding counting how close together they were, but then I got curious as to how far along I’d have been if I hadn’t miscarried. And I realized I’d have been around 5 months if the first pregnancy had stuck and around 2 months if the second had. I’ve just been going with the general “two miscarriages in six months” statement… but then I realized that I’d have only been around 5 months, and became curious how much closer together they were. So tonight I’m letting myself feel and mourn. I’ve been doing so all along, but the … 4 days or so it had become easier and I was doing…. better I suppose is the right word. I was more of myself again. Now I’m sitting here sad and thinking and hurting. And I’m letting myself, as long as I don’t sink into a pattern of darkness and depression, because I need to let myself grieve. I didn’t do that the first time around (although at the time I didn’t realize just how much I was burying) and ended up being a mess a month or month and a half later. I refuse to do that again! I will be talking to a counselor on Monday (and doing other things as well) and that will help a bunch. But for tonight I’m feeling and grieving and internalizing some. And honestly, it’s what I need to do right now.

I’ve had friends sharing pictures of their kids throughout the day with it being Hallowe’en. I also have friends with babies or toddlers. I’ve been doing okay with all of this. Then the trick or treaters hit. We didn’t have many, but there were some. One of the trick or treaters was a neighbor who has a daughter who is either one or two years old. And it all hit me. I did the math, I’ve had two miscarriages in 3 1/2 months, between the day before Father’s Day and the middle of October (the 13th or so I believe). I had been avoiding counting how close together they were, but then I got curious as to how far along I’d have been if I hadn’t miscarried. And I realized I’d have been around 5 months if the first pregnancy had stuck and around 2 months if the second had. I’ve just been going with the general “two miscarriages in six months” statement… but then I realized that I’d have only been around 5 months, and became curious how much closer together they were. So tonight I’m letting myself feel and mourn. I’ve been doing so all along, but the … 4 days or so it had become easier and I was doing…. better I suppose is the right word. I was more of myself again. Now I’m sitting here sad and thinking and hurting. And I’m letting myself, as long as I don’t sink into a pattern of darkness and depression, because I need to let myself grieve. I didn’t do that the first time around (although at the time I didn’t realize just how much I was burying) and ended up being a mess a month or month and a half later. I refuse to do that again! I will be talking to a counselor on Monday (and doing other things as well) and that will help a bunch. But for tonight I’m feeling and grieving and internalizing some. And honestly, it’s what I need to do right now.

And seen other family members get hit with different things too?

E was in ER last night, we had to go because he had a bad reaction to his latest blood pressure med. He had random facial swelling with the last one after being on it a couple of weeks (not unusual for him) and this time just one pill affected him and made him really ill. He’s also dealing with intense fatigue. Like, he was almost unresponsive to me the first several times I tried to wake him tonight when I realized his alarm never went off. I finally got him to wake up enough to look at his alarm clock and tell me what time it was and if he was going to work tonight. We decided he is not because I don’t want him out there driving like this, and I don’t think he could safely do his job either. I’m currently awake waiting for the right time to call and report that he’s not coming in again tonight due to remaining issues from last night.

One of the issues he had after starting this med was swelling and pain in his knee. The doctor said it was probably gout brought on by the type of med he was on, and that he needs to get his kidneys checked to make sure they aren’t the cause of the blood pressure issues, since people with certain types of issues respond about like this to that type of bp med. Unfortunately this in and of itself brought back a memory for me pre diagnosis with my health issues where I had to have E push me around in a shopping cart one day a couple of years ago as there weren’t any handicap carts available, and another day where I used a handicap cart. They had diagnosed me with gout without testing for it because they didn’t know what else to call the issue with my knee that had me so bad I could hardly walk… there wasn’t obvious inflammation or anything. Now we know it was one of the first flares of lupus in my joints. This was circa 2006 at some point. And with the intense fatigue he’s having all I can think of is the family members I have with FMS (my mother) or CFS (my sister) and how bad their fatigue would be. I’m not saying that’s what’s wrong with E, though if this continues I will be pushing for testing to see if they can figure anything out along that vein. It just interests (and irritates) me that I see E like this and instantly my brain jumps to “there must be something like that going on…” though if I understand correctly rheumatoid arthritis does run in his family…. so it could be that, or that could have led to him ending up with something autoimmune? UGH! I think I’m just still freaked out from the flu the other week, and seeing this going on is really worrying me.

And seen other family members get hit with different things too?

E was in ER last night, we had to go because he had a bad reaction to his latest blood pressure med. He had random facial swelling with the last one after being on it a couple of weeks (not unusual for him) and this time just one pill affected him and made him really ill. He’s also dealing with intense fatigue. Like, he was almost unresponsive to me the first several times I tried to wake him tonight when I realized his alarm never went off. I finally got him to wake up enough to look at his alarm clock and tell me what time it was and if he was going to work tonight. We decided he is not because I don’t want him out there driving like this, and I don’t think he could safely do his job either. I’m currently awake waiting for the right time to call and report that he’s not coming in again tonight due to remaining issues from last night.

One of the issues he had after starting this med was swelling and pain in his knee. The doctor said it was probably gout brought on by the type of med he was on, and that he needs to get his kidneys checked to make sure they aren’t the cause of the blood pressure issues, since people with certain types of issues respond about like this to that type of bp med. Unfortunately this in and of itself brought back a memory for me pre diagnosis with my health issues where I had to have E push me around in a shopping cart one day a couple of years ago as there weren’t any handicap carts available, and another day where I used a handicap cart. They had diagnosed me with gout without testing for it because they didn’t know what else to call the issue with my knee that had me so bad I could hardly walk… there wasn’t obvious inflammation or anything. Now we know it was one of the first flares of lupus in my joints. This was circa 2006 at some point. And with the intense fatigue he’s having all I can think of is the family members I have with FMS (my mother) or CFS (my sister) and how bad their fatigue would be. I’m not saying that’s what’s wrong with E, though if this continues I will be pushing for testing to see if they can figure anything out along that vein. It just interests (and irritates) me that I see E like this and instantly my brain jumps to “there must be something like that going on…” though if I understand correctly rheumatoid arthritis does run in his family…. so it could be that, or that could have led to him ending up with something autoimmune? UGH! I think I’m just still freaked out from the flu the other week, and seeing this going on is really worrying me.

So I forgot to blog about these in June/July after my miscarriage then, and I’m going to do so now for future reference if it happens again. Also because I need to remember to tell my PCP about them, and because I’ll need to tell my OB when we start trying again. My PCP and E’s PCP discussed my case and both of them recommend me going to a specific OB in the same city as my rheumatologist… there are no OB’s in our town/city… we have a bunch of doc’s… but no OB’s… the only one we had moved to the east coast sometime in early 2008. So we’ll have to drive an hour to an hour and a half each way for OB visits… hopefully I won’t be pregnant during the winter or that’ll suck… though I’d rather be pregnant during the winter than the summer…. for a lot of reasons! Hopefully I won’t have to have frequent OB visits. I’m also hoping to have a midwife, but there is only one in the area who travels to where we live, and she only takes low risk pregnancies, so I doubt that will be happen. I’d just rather have a midwife, and see an OB while for the fertility counseling my PCP wants us to have due to the miscarriages and to check into risks. But I know with my health issues an OB would be better, and it’s likely we’ll have a hospital birth, though I’m really hoping to avoid C-Section for a lot of reasons… thankfully E and I have talked in depth about our wishes for how the birth will be handled if we ever get that far, so he’ll be able to help advocate for me.
Anyway… I was going to post about the other ways the miscarriage is affecting me (and the way the last one did, which I hadn’t entirely realized was connected). I have been nauseated in the afternoons about an hour after we go to bed both yesterday and today. This happened after my first miscarriage too, at the same point in my cycle (right about when I “should” ovulate) and I wasn’t sure if I’d managed to get pregnant again, though I knew it was really early for pregnancy symptoms. Also, I start getting mucus changes at the same point in my cycle as normal, but they end before they change into “true ovulation discharge”… about a day before I get ovulation changes. So I’m coming to the conclusion I don’t actually ovulate since all discharge stops at that point, and I don’t get the “egg whites” on the day I should. The fact I don’t seem to ovulate (though I’m sure I do at some point, since I do end up having a period… though my cycle last time was longer than normal, and I’m guessing it will be again this time) and the nausea are (I’m assuming) more signs of my hormones regulating again. So that’s how the miscarriages mess with me (nonemotionally) a couple weeks after they happen.

So we are having our first snow of the season… it started last night.

I’m now posting my hot cocoa recipe that I forgot to post when I mentioned it before…. 🙂

home made cocoa mix:
2 cups dry milk
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 cup sugar
1/4 tsp salt…
mix together, store in airtight container.

To make a cup of hot chocolate mix 1/4 cup dry mix w/ 1 cup boiling water. 🙂 (makes approx. 14 cups)

How about that I like to snack while sitting at my desk? Or the fact that between social security and all the other stuff that’s going on in our lives we’ve got LOTS of paperwork going on?
Yes… I need to clean up my table… desperately… I need to find some stuff to email to my aunt… and right now that’s just not working out. 😦

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