Over the past… week or week and a half I’ve been dealing with nightmares. Yesterday and today they’ve finally “cleared up”, but I went through several days where any time I closed my eyes and dozed I’d be awakened by nightmares within 3 hours or so. The only times I got relief were when I’d been through the cycle enough that my body was exhausted and I’d flat pass out for 12 hours or so, at which point I wouldn’t dream at all. Some of these nightmares have included E leaving me, others have involved him being killed, all of them have also included situations where I was left feeling helpless and scared, with those feelings being on top of the grief I felt at losing E. Nothing was working to alleviate them, I even took the dreaded valium, which I’ve been avoiding due to it being a Cat D drug and us ttcing. That still only let me sleep for a couple hours and I ended up having nightmares. Yesterday morning I finally had the last nightmare I’ve experienced, though I’ve still been having strange dreams, and I seem to have a sleep schedule where I only sleep a maximum of 4 hours at a time now. I’m trying to figure out how to reset this so I get a solid 8 to 10 hours of sleep again. I wouldn’t call the strange dreams undisturbing, or unscary, they are just not scary in the ways my nightmares have been. They have had their own disturbing things, but at least I can sleep through and after them, and not wake up having panic attacks.
I’m not big on being able to interpret dreams, it’s a subject that fascinates me, but I’ve not been very good at it. However, with my nightmares, there was no mistaking the causes of them… especially with all that’s been happening in my life. The loss of E was all about how scared I’ve been that my health issues will end up driving E away. This is ridiculous, especially since although I’ve developed a couple more since we’ve been together, I already had been diagnosed with… 4 or 5 of my health issues by the time we were together. I know logically that if anything ends up driving E and I apart it will not be my health issues. However I’ve recently had my illnesses affecting even more of my life, and with that being the case our relationship has been affected more, especially physically. This has been one of the most devastating things for me in dealing with all of this… and there have been several things that have been hard on me through all of the difficulties I’ve been dealing with healthwise. The feeling helpless and scared, and the situations that caused them, have been the exact same things all these health issues have left me feeling. It’s sad and upsetting that even in my dreams I can’t get away from the feelings I deal with on a moment to moment basis lately. I find it interesting though, that since figuring out the cause of the dreams they have cleared up. Now lets see if I can do the same with all the strange dreams, which I understand, but which are of a more personal nature than I wish to discuss here. I’m just relieved that I finally seem to be nightmare free again!

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