July 2009


Pregnancy mentioned (not mine, I’m not pregnant at this point), and miscarriage as well (this is mine)!

A friend of mine found out yesterday that her sister is pregnant! This friend is an endo sister who is dealing with infertility…. and although she’s trying to be happy for her sister, she’s going through a wide range of emotions right now.

She just posted a status on a social networking site asking if she’d ever be able to sleep again. Now I don’t know for sure that it’s due to the news she received today or not, but that’s my guess as to what it’s about.

Reading that brought up all kinds of emotions and thoughts that have been pretty absent for the last couple weeks. It’s been a bit over a month since my miscarriage became a known fact to me (it was June 20th when I found out I was miscarrying, and that I’d been pregnant), and it’s now the 30th of July in my time zone. I’m sure part of this is me being exhausted, and part of it is that although day to day I’m doing well, overall I still struggle with this at times, it still is hard to deal with at times, and it still hurts at times.

I’m hurting for my friend, and hurting for me, and hurting for everyone else who has had to deal with this pain.

And I’m missing my baby tonight, as I’d have been midway through my second month now… and almost through it if you go by the period I had at that point. Having Gamer and Duckling has been incredible, but I’m struggling with the thought of having to take them back to their mom’s in about a month, as well as with the fact I don’t get to have “my own” by this time next year probably (my own is in quotes because although they don’t share a biological link with me, the kids are both my own kids just the same as any bio kid we ever are able to have, or any kid we ever adopt if we can’t have bio kids), and the fact I lost my baby.

And now I’m going to bed, because I’m way too tired, and that’s really not helping my emotions at all!!!!

J

Wordless Wednesday – or almost at least!

Do you think we have kids in the house? 😛 My computer table!

DSC01189

Wordless Wednesday – or almost at least!

Do you think we have kids in the house? 😛 My computer table!

DSC01189

Warning: My stepkids are mentioned in this post (though it is about much more than just them!) – if you can’t handle reading about them this isn’t a post for you!

This is not shaping up to be a good day.
First my mother called a few minutes ago at 7:45 in the morning our time (I’m NOT a morning person), and I had the ringer on because I didn’t expect anyone to call so early and I want to make sure I hear my/our friend Shadow call. Oh and did I mention the kids and I didn’t get to bed until almost two because we went to Walmart last night and they wanted food after and Duckling wanted a bath? At least they’d both taken naps, but I feel exhausted because I didn’t get much of one…. I laid in bed a few times…. but I only slept briefly. Then, as I was getting up to turn off the ringer I realized my bladder is killing me! With my bladder condition I have to be careful about bottled waters – and we bought some last night for when going to the park, etc. I drank most of a bottle last night before bed… and something in it is apparently pissing my bladder off. I am usually so good about getting brands that don’t hurt (Dasani is my main brand I drink now – I used to hate it, but it doesn’t make me hurt, so I just automatically grab it without even thinking about it now) that I forgot that some brands can really bug me. My bladder and side are at about an 8 now… and I hurt too much to want to eat to be able to take good pain meds, and I don’t want to take alleve and drink water because as my bladder gets full it will hurt me even more, but I need to keep myself hydrated or I’ll end up in even more pain… it’s a catch 22 situation. And after I got the ringer off and laid back down Miss Duckling decided she’d slept enough and she wanted to get up and eat breakfast and color. So I’m now sitting with her until she finishes eating, and going to leave her coloring for awhile so I can lay in bed with my heating pad curled around my abdomen… I doubt I’ll get to go back to sleep. But I hurt too much to stay up right now. Hopefully Duckling will let us sleep for awhile, but I am sure I’ll still need to stay awake to keep her from bothering Gamer and getting into the pantry… I may just take her back to bed with me and have her pretend she’s sleeping (which put her to sleep yesterday) because it’s too early to be awake after the small amount of sleep she’s had so far today. She’ll be a holy terror this afternoon if she doesn’t sleep more.

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Write about today in the blank notebook I have and make sure to bring it up to Dr. Rheumy when I go see her again in Sept.
I don’t feel up to blogging about it or jotting notes in my notebook right now, the fog is coming back in, but today I had a very scary headache, and I’m still not doing too well….

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