Note: deals with my miscarriage

One day at a time is too big. Normally I can get by with a few hours at a time, even with my health issues, but with this miscarriage it’s been taken down to one moment at a time…. and even that feels too big some moments.
I know I need to let myself feel this, I know I need to grieve and I know I need to heal. But I guess I’m getting frustrated with myself because I hadn’t even known I was pregnant… why am I needing to grieve… and I know (at least part of) the answer to that, I did find out I was pregnant, and even if I didn’t get to go through the excitement of being pregnant before it was lost, I had been partway to achieving a dream. And then it was taken from me. My baby was taken from me – I know according to science and all it wasn’t a baby yet – I believe it was in in the embryo stage still? But you know what – to me, it was my baby. And I lost it before I even knew about it.

You may be asking what brought this afternoon’s cry fest on. I was laying in bed after finally going back to it, and I rolled onto my tummy (I am generally a tummy or right side sleeper) and all of a sudden it hit me and I just felt… empty I guess. Like… not emotionally, but physically. I could tell just how flat my stomach was… and I always end up with a cute tummy right before my period – it doesn’t look so much like bloating on me, it looks like I’m a little pregnant every month…. and I always notice just how flat my tummy is when I’m between my period and a few days after ovulation. Today it hit me harder than normal, because there *should* have been a baby growing in there. And I know, maybe there was something wrong, or maybe my valium caused birth defects (luckily that med is just as a muscle relaxant – I can go off of it without having to have doc approval – I since have stopped taking it – though it’s been hard making it through some of the emotions when I just want to be numb) I would rather not risk it. Of course, I have no idea what the reason for the miscarriage was, or if the valium caused it, I’d drive myself crazy if I tried to due to all the possible causes, I start to once in awhile, realize what I’m doing and stop. I am removing whatever I can that could contribute to a miscarriage though. I want to do what I can to prevent a miscarriage, even though it’s completely possible that nothing I change is going to prevent them, at least that way I know that the obvious possible causes I can control aren’t the reasons. Unfortunately some reasons are beyond my control, others I may not even realize could cause it… and ultimately life isn’t up to me lol. So I’ll do what I can, but I do need to realize it’s going to happen if it’s going to happen and not stress about it. (And keep trying not to stress about it!) Anyway, I’ve had a hard time today accepting that the baby that was there suddenly isn’t, and dealing with that. My flat tummy is a bigger disappointment than ever before. I’m not saying I mind being skinny, but at the same time, I’d like to have a baby grow in me, and see the pregnant belly and give birth to a baby and all of that, and get to watch my child grow up, and teach them and… I could go on for hours lol! It just hit me really hard today just how flat my tummy is… so odd of a thing to get upset about and have strike up the grief… but I guess grief isn’t necessarily logical in when it strikes… and I know I’ll be going through this for awhile yet, no matter how much I feel ok some days. I made it through all of yesterday just fine…. that’s part of why today spun me around so much. It feels like today came out of nowhere.
Sonja and I have been talking today, and we caught each other after I got back up this afternoon when the grief struck… we agreed how much grief can just come out of nowhere and how much it sucks…. we actually said it at the same time lol! “Great minds think alike” I think is what she said when she saw that. I’m so grateful for all the reminders I’m not alone here, and all the support I’ve received, I’m not sure how I’d have made it otherwise. E, my family, some of my closest friends, and some unexpected sources have all come in to help support me through this, whether it’s by phone, internet, or in person. Even other twitter users who I don’t know have given support since I hopped back on there today. I can never thank any of you enough – and I’m grateful for each and every one of you. Some of my supporters have gone through miscarriage themselves, some are going through a similar grief process for other reasons, some have been there for me even though they’ve not gone through this sort of thing. To all of you, know that you have my eternal thanks! I can’t express it – I wish I could. Oh and I can’t forget my M – he’s given me lots of laughs, been himself – living up to his name, and letting me cuddle him. Such a good kitty baby.
Anyway, that’s my struggle today, and my huge thank you!!!

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