Warning: this post mentions pregnancy and miscarriage. If you can’t handle reading about that, come back another day, or go read my other posts.

My period started sometime early this morning – somewhere between… 1a and 3a… not sure exactly when… I just know when I got into the bathroom to take my shower after E went back to work from lunch I had stained underwear and pj pants. I had been cramping for a few days, but yesterday it stopped, as did the majority of my pms symptoms, so I figured I was still a few days away from my period. Due to that I wasn’t wearing a pad. Around… I don’t know… 7:30 this morning or so I think… I went to the bathroom to pee and when I stood up I saw a clump of tissue surrounded by a couple of large (compared with the tissue clump) blood clots. I thought it might be skin tissue, especially since I’d had pain yesterday during intercourse, which came out of nowhere and was bad enough I jumped about 6 inches away from E in my attempt to get away from the source of the pain. The thought we tore or hurt something was not unreasonable, even though my vvs was much more likely to blame. Since I’m a curious person, and since I wanted to see if the clots were connected to it or not, and if it was in fact skin tissue or not, I touched it and pulled it away from them (yes, gross I know) and it was definitely uterine lining tissue. At that point my line of thought changed to miscarriage, and I came out of the bathroom and told E. A bit later, when I felt I could pee enough again, I went and POASed (peed on a stick) – and it was *Very* faintly positive. My guess is the clump of tissue was from where the egg had implanted, and it all came out as a clump, because I know I would have just had implantation within the last few days, so although I could be mistaken, I doubt anything would have developed far enough to be that clump of tissue. I’m not a doctor, I don’t know, but that’s my guess.

My emotions are all over the place. I’m sad, but at the same time, I’m not all that upset, because I hadn’t even known I was pregnant… so it’s more that I’m just sad I miscarried. I’m happy because I know I can get pregnant. I’m terrified that I may never be able to get a full term pregnancy (I know someone who will remain nameless unless she reveals herself who miscarried a couple times and never made it to full term) and that it will just be miscarriage after miscarriage. Especially since the time I think I miscarried before (I got up one morning and found a clump of tissue on my pad – very much like what I found in the toilet today actually) was very similar to this, down to the pms and cramps. I’m calm/relieved because obviously this just wasn’t meant to be, and although I know there’s never a “right time”… there is a lot going on in my life and I’d rather have at least some of it settled first if I can. And I’m wishing I hadn’t taken that test, though at the same time I’m glad I did because otherwise I’d probably spend an awful lot of time wondering if it was a miscarriage or not, just like that last time. I’m also hopeful that I will be able to get pregnant again in the future and have it work out right.

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