So my nightmares post miscarriage seem to be grief and emotion related rather than hormonal…. since this time the dreams waited until almost two weeks after the miscarriage to show up, and I doubt even the flu could put off my hormones trying to normalize again that far. Especially since I’m having discharge like my body is attempting to ovulate right now. This weekend I’ve finally had a chance to grieve a bit as E and I have both felt better, and everything is done on the other situations in my life that can be until tomorrow. We aren’t completely better, but E did finally manage to return to work, and I’ve been able to stay awake longer again. I think we’re still a ways away from better though. :(
I’ve been feeling more about it all, and crying more for the last 4 days or so. I also started having nightmares either Thursday morning or Thursday night/Friday morning, not sure which. I’d guess Friday morning since I know I woke up from the dream at around 7am, and because we had some other stressful things occur Thursday morning and afternoon so it would make sense that my dreams became chaotic during all of that.
The only one I remember clearly is the one I woke up from the other morning. I have a few family members who read my blog on a semi-regular to regular basis (how often they read it depends on which family member you are talking about lol) and I dreamed that one of them read my post about the medicine for my Raynaud’s being a possible cause of the miscarriage and emailed me saying “Your mom and I are spending time together right now, and I just read your post about your miscarriage and your medication.. and I’m telling her. And you are a fake and a fraud for calling it a miscarriage… it’s an abortion!”… Please note I would not ever conciously compare this to an abortion. They are not the same thing. My family wouldn’t call them that either. But apparently the medication thing is bugging me more than I thought apparently. And with my family abortion is a huge deal and VERY BAD… (note I say my family, I’m not going into my beliefs here, I don’t feel like turning this more political, and also my beliefs conflict with some of my family and some of my readers, so I’d rather just leave it here…. but abortion is definitely not something I see as an option for myself) so it just turned into this huge nightmare of a dream. :(
I can’t remember my other dreams as clearly, but that one had a huge effect on how I’ve been emotionally the last few days. I hadn’t realized just how much the med thing was bothering me, and I hate that it is bugging me so much since I had done my research and at the time that I did it they didn’t know for sure (at least not where I looked) if it was pregnancy safe or not. On top of that I hadn’t realized I was pregnant, though I was starting to suspect I should do a test… so there was nothing I would have changed… if I’d known about being pregnant the only thing I can think of is that I would have asked my pharmacist if it was safe, but otherwise…. /shrug. But I didn’t know, and I didn’t realize more research had been done on the safety of the med, so yah… I keep telling myself that, but it’s still one of those things I think of from time to time.
All of that right there, that’s one of the reasons I’m getting help mentally/psychologically, and why we’re taking a break for a bit… These miscarriages are really bugging me… that dream may have only dealt with the most recent one, but I’m hurting from both right now. And hoping that some time and perspective will help before we start trying again.